A life of meaning

“As if a job title and salary were the sole measure of human worth” – Bill Watterson.

http://zenpencils.com/comic/128-bill-watterson-a-cartoonists-advice/

Bill Watterson, the mind behind the famed Calvin and Hobbes comic, highlighted a fact of life that I believe is quite universal to those of us who work and perhaps haven’t found our true passion. (Which based on my sampling is a good bunch of us.) It is nice to see my dreams of playing on a hill realized in a comic and I hope one day that I will. Sometimes it feels like life starts when work ends. And that the majority of our time we dedicate each day to work is simply the payment for having a few hours of life every day and the weekends to waste away. We’re taught that mindset is wrong, and not because we should enjoy work, but rather because we have to keep climbing the corporate ladder and have the future promise of wealth and safety be our only goal. In interacting with my coworkers I see the reality of that mindset, to keep working and socializing and blurring the lines of the 9-5 so that each day is a new opportunity to get ahead and seem in control of what we are really doing.

Having since turned 25 this topic has been on my mind quite a bit. When I first started working I didn't think I would ever struggle with the idea of success and salary, in particular since I was really just trying to be employed my focus was rather short termed. But having worked for a few years I do indeed feel the call to make work my life, and to be in competition for that promotion and salary and all the niceties the come with it. There is such temptation everyday not only to do extra work but to get ahead of co-workers and make nice to the bosses. And all for the goal of being successful, having a nice car & house, and living the dream that had always been promised. And above all I dream of freedom, to have the title that will let me set my work hours, to choose what I want to do, and to call the shots on what I want to pursue. To be able to retire young and do whatever it is I want without a boss or someone watching over my back all the time.

And I don’t think this is limited to just my career or salary. I've been finding out that there are so many things I define my own success and failures by that are apart from Christ. So many things that society views as valuable and I copy to try and fit in, to try and emulate a sense of belonging. And when I don’t have them I am crushed. I can’t sleep. I spend wasted hours dreaming of being one of the cool kids with the nice job and great friendships. Isn't that ridiculous? I dream of having the perfect friendships, the ones that you see on TV where everybody is happy, as if there was ever such a thing. What they don’t tell you is that when the camera turns off, there are real people with real problems and real scars that need the love and care of fellowship in their weakness and pain. Who are in need of a Savior.

God had intended something else for us. But with sin we found it impossible to achieve the reality of what had been promised. Instead we stumble around in this shadow of what should be, trying to dig our way through the mess that has become work, life, friendship, and ultimately our faith. But in the midst of what the world is telling us to do, we have the clear voice of God commanding us to actually follow after Him instead, and letting us know that it’s all going to be alright.

I believe in the promise that in Heaven the work we will be assigned by God will be perfectly satisfying and fulfilling. Back in college I used to think that Heaven meant we wouldn't have to do any work and could just lay around enjoying God’s glory, but I figured if mostly all the Biblical characters worked very hard to fulfill their calling in God that it had to be somehow tied to what God intends for us in the future. And that is not to say that all the work we do now is futile, but rather that the common reasons for why we work are. There is meaning to be found in doing a job that can provide for your family, that can support missionaries in the World, and that can help the poor and in need. What distinguishes godly work from pointless work is that in whatever we do we do it for God. That besides those who are clearly seen working in the church there are those that work quietly in the back and sidelines, doing what God has called them to. For God had called all of us to certain duties, as in the parable of the talents, people were given different amounts and expected to produce with what they had and not to compare with how many that other guy/gal started with.

Meaning isn't found in being happy in this world. It isn't found in the wisdoms that tell us to work hard now so we can rest later, or to find the spouse that will make you most happy. 1 Corinthians tells us that the wisdom of God confounds the world and is a stumbling block to those who can’t accept it. But to us that have been called, it is salvation and peace and joy. Meaning is found in following faithfully after God every day. To see the choices before us and pick the one that is a life of serving others and bearing our cross. To realize that the people in our lives are not to ignored for the sake of wanting better, but rather here to support and bear with each other in the road to Christ.

Faith doesn't die in a great sudden explosion of realization that there is no God. It isn't suddenly changed when someone provides a great argument against Jesus. I believe faith dies in the slow stumbling death of everyday submission to the world. Something subtle but surely enough stone by stone our foundation is torn away until one day we find we no longer walk with Christ. And so each new day by the strength of God we should follow faithfully after Him and build up the foundation that Christ has provided that we might be protected from the temptations of the enemy. I think ultimately, we are called each day to be bold with the gospel. To follow almost recklessly after the conviction God has placed in our hearts, trusting that He’ll provide by grace what we can’t achieve by our hands. And whether or not we succeed at the end of the day, we will always know there is a loving Father to welcome us home. 

The Importance of Hope

When I entered college, I thought I had the world figured out. After a few years in college I had an idea of what I wanted to do but wasn't too sure about my life. Now I'm just simply glad to have a job and I don't really think about where I want my career to take me. When I thought about this initially, it seemed to me that as I grew older and older, the worries and cares of life have begun to unravel my plans and goals. As I considered this thought, I realized that as our goals and desires disappear that we can fill these things in with what belonged there in the first place: An undying hope and desire for God. We can have all these plans and things we wish to accomplish in this life, but inevitably the strain and cost of running down that path tears us down little by little and at the end of the journey we look back and wonder what it was all for.

For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. -1 Timothy 6:7

We came into this world bare and with no promise of an inheritance other than the great promise of eternal life and caring from a loving God. When I think about my imaginary earthly inheritance, I imagine that if I had one I'd be excited for when it came to me. (Hopefully not when my parents died but more like when I became a certain age) But as this verse from Timothy tells us that when we leave this world we will take nothing with us and therefore the realization and hope of an earthly inheritance fades. But we came into the world with the promise of a loving God and we leave with that promise yet. We did not bring grace with us into this world, and when as leave it will still always be with us.

There's this new song by Tim Be Told called Analyze. In the official music video it shows these people holding up signs for how they feel. Watching these people, I realized that the thing they lacked was a hope for greater things and a realization of their blessings. Throughout the video, these people go through a transformation of sorts and their signs change.

I feel scared...but I'm loved
I feel inadequate...but I'm talented
I feel weak...but I'm strong
I feel ugly...but I'm beautiful
I feel burnt out...but I'm not giving up
I feel lost...but I won't stop
I feel confused...but I'll be ready
I feel irrelevant....but I'm important
I feel worried...but I'll figure it out
I feel unaccepted...but I'm unique
I feel cynical...but I still hope
I'm hurt...but I'm getting better
I feel angry inside...but I'll find peace
I feel unwanted...but I'm needed
I'm lonely...but I'm not alone
I'm broken...but I'll rise up
I feel stupid...but I'm still learning

Listening to this song I saw that when we add God into the equation all the hurt and pain is made into a sanctifying process by which we are being turned into His likeness. This does not mean that the pain goes away or that the hurt is any less, but that now we have purpose in the suffering. We have hope that all this is for something more, that at the end of this suffering there is infinite joy in the living God who has rescued and rescues us daily from our burdens and the cruelty of this world. God existing outside of time means that all the seemingly worthless pain we experienced indeed had a purpose, to bring us in the end under the shadow of His wings and into His loving embrace. When I thought about these negative feelings listed here, I felt a certain hopelessness in it all. I know at some point in my life I've felt all of these. But the transforming power of God's word changes these emotions into a positive reality.

Without hope we lose track of what the reality is. We no longer have encouragement and strength in what is to come. We fall into the dredges of life and feel pulled by nothing except empty promises that we cannot take with us. But we are not these. We have been given a great calling and promise in Christ and we live in hope of that inheritance we will gain when His glory is realized once again and He returns to redeem and grant us the eternity of salvation. All that we experience and suffer through need to be tempered with the hope of Christ.

And so my unraveling plans expose a greater plan through it all. God does not call us to seek the future things of this world but rather the daily calling to thirst and hope in Him knowing that each day is another gift from Him for us to use and enjoy. We are called to give up considering our lives and success in the time to come and rather take up a burden to live each day well and pleasing in His sight. In these there will be suffering and joy, pain and happiness, but in all things there will be the God who sustains us and promises us an inheritance beyond anything this world can offer. An inheritance that will remain with us forever. May the hope of salvation in Christ strengthen your weak knees and tired arms.

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. - Hebrews 10:23

Discipleship

Today when I walked out of Andrew's house into my car I started singing a worship song. I instinctively turned on the radio but when I realized what I was doing I just turned it back off and kept singing. I had a kind of peace driving home today.

It reminded me of something that I heard that when we follow God's commands and spend time with Him that we experience an outflow of worship from our hearts. An act of the Holy spirit within us.

It made me realize how important discipleship was. I hadn't met for awhile but now that I think about it it makes a lot of sense that my worship in the car was a result of the end of a good discipleship. When we follow God's commands and experience the things that He has specifically called us to, we realize and understand just why and what the purpose of those actions are. The Bible commands "Follow me as I follow God" and that sentence is the definition of how we can walk deeply in Christ.

I want to encourage people who don't have a discipler to actively find one in their church. Even if you're just going to college and don't think you'll be here long, I am learning that a big part of how we grow in Christ is in the relationships that we forge. Of course it is also in quiet times and spending time with God. But to follow after someone further along in the faith, as they follow after Christ is indeed what we are commanded to do. And once you pursue that relationship in whatever setting, even if you have to leave later on, you will find God works greatly in your life through it.

Faith

I have a lot of things on my mind these days. Things have gotten pretty busy since I graduated. I thought that it would be a little simpler without the whole school thing but work life has problems of its own. I've also been studying for the CPA test so haven't really gotten away from the whole school either. All in all I've been pretty busy and tired from the whole affair.

I listened to a sermon on 1 Peter recently. These verses really stuck out to me.

" ⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
1 Peter 1: 6-7

The sermon talked about how through the trials we experience in our life, whether small or large, serve to strengthen our faith and make it of greatest worth in obtaining our salvation. When we struggle with daily life and we turn to God, that strengthens our faith. When we choose to pray rather than worry. When we turn to God and ask Him for the impossible. We know that He will provide in the end according to His good pleasure and love for us.

"“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Matthew 7:9-11

From that perspective we will finally ease into the idea that God has blessed us abundantly with all that we need, and with the process of sanctification within us. These things that attract us and that call us may not be what is good for us. Though we think that they're the bread we need, they might end up being a stumbling stone on our path. Part of having faith in God is trusting Him in these situations that make you worry and which lead your desires elsewhere. To instead look to God and ask Him to show you what you need to learn and abide by. To work faithfully in His commands and precepts even if you might think you're better somewhere else. I'm learning that I've received an abundance of blessings from Him. And that though I might feel called elsewhere, that as long as He keeps me here He is working in me and refining my faith.

I've been listening to this audio book lately, 'Nothing to Envy.' It's written by a journalist who writes for the L.A. Times. She met with six North Korean defectors and through their stories painted a picture of what life is like in the North. The punishment for practicing Christian faith there is to be executed. It make me sad to hear about those events happening. It also made me appreciate that even the bare minimum here is still something from God.

We have been blessed into a great life here. Despite what small and simple worries we have, it is nothing compared to the ailments of some. God grows us everyday, and there is no trial that we cannot move past. It is also important to not forget these things that are happening in the world. We might or might not be called to do physical work there, but our prayers and actions should extend beyond our bubble here. The parallel I made with this book is that: There are still many people living in darkness. That haven't seen or heard or learned about God. Whether by stubborn choice or because they never had the opportunity. But God is always standing there with open arms. And when we see His greatness and His work in our lives, we see that He has always treated us as His children. Though we didn't know, we see that His blessings and love has always been in our lives. That when we turned to Him and said we want more, He gave us the Bread of Life.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

You make beautiful things

All this pain, I wonder if I'll find my way.
I wonder if my life could really change at all.

Today I was started listening to Beautiful Things by Gungor because Tammy had it as her cellphone ringtone and being the popular girl she is she kept getting calls. The first part of this verse caught my ears, since it seemed to apply to what I was experiencing.

Not that I'm turning emo, but the things going on in my last post are still going on and therefore I'm more contemplative than stupidly happy. I finally picked up Pursuit of God today, after a long break from reading that book I started again from the beginning and found that the feelings I had previous arose again. All this pain, all the struggles and beatings life throws at us and continues to do so, how do we get out of it. I still struggle with this idea of how in every day life and work we can focus everything on God again and again and through the long hours lean to Him and grow and love and cherish the blessings He's given us when in front of us is a huge pile of work that just keeps growing.

As I think to the future, I don't really expect much to change in terms of work life. If I won the lottery and just lived with that it would be nice, but as a wise friend said to me once: "being rich simply makes others covet." I don't think I would want a job that would be easy and simple living for just myself. After observing those older and further along in their walk in the church body I noticed an interesting detail. The husband serves the wife in the work he takes on. He takes the path that allows the wife a higher degree of freedom in her life choices, whether to stay at home or go out and work. In some ways, this is reflective of the love Christ shows us as the head of the church. We are to serve Him but in reality He serves us and grants us daily the needs that sustain us every day. Therefore the husband, being head of the household, should give to the wife all that is possible and serve her in the ways of Christ. I want to do whatever will make my own family better, to allow my wife to choose whatever she feels called to, for my kids to grow in an unbroken home where they can learn the blessings of God and not always the hardship that defines so many of our lives.

All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

Now we know from Bible spoilers that what is lost has been found. We know that God took what was dirty and wretched and make it beautiful. Out of the darkness He pulled us into the light and clothed us in His holiness. "Thou hast formed us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless til they find rest in thee." -Augustine. I think this helps in explaining why we as people find it so hard to do any one thing for too long a period of time. There is nothing on earth that could satisfy our hearts.

"The simplicity which is in Christ is rarely found among us. In its stead are programs, methods, organizations, and a world of nervous activity which occupy time and attention but can never satisfy the longing of the heart."

Only Christ can satisfy our attention and our hearts. And while it may seem like one activity that might grow old after awhile, the beauty and secret of it is that there is such an infinite depth to His character and love that we can never run out of things to explore while spending time with Him.

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

So we come to this realization that without God everything is incomplete. That we need Him not only in our lives but to be everything to us. We need to give up everything that we cling to that is not Him. To throw our lives away and empty what is the 'self' to be filled by that which demands our everything. To possess nothing of this world but in return to gain that which is untouchable, unbelievable, and unbelievably beautiful.

For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it - Matthew 16:25

For me this means to not cling to the future I imagine in my head. To not get ahead of God and begin giving myself things which I feel would give me satisfaction. To live in every moment looking to God and like a recently found child to adore and worship the one who rescued me from the world. It doesn't make sense to write a future for ourselves, when God is undoubtedly the best author out there. To give up our lives isn't something we should think of as bad, because what we get in return is so much greater than our imaginations would've made up.

"Abraham possessed nothing and yet was blessed with everything" -Tozer

Tozer brings up Abraham as a monumental example of someone who trusted in God with all his being and in his life allowed God to take control and make his paths level. However, being a human being Abraham was not perfect and we see in Genesis his continued struggle with his lack of progeny and God's demand of his patience. Tozer tells the story of how Isaac came to being as the one who would fulfill all of God's promises and how Abraham grew instantly to love and adore him. Tozer talks about how Abraham's love for Isaac bordered on dangerous and that his eyes had turned away from God. So finally God had to tear Abraham away from that and demand Isaac be sacrificed. We know that Abraham give up his only son in order to obey God, and in his own way still trusted in God to provide in his promises. Though God was seemingly taking away the thing that He has promised Abraham, Abraham still trusted in God's love and knew that the promise would be fulfilled. He obeyed God to the end despite what seemed like the opposite of 'blessings and riches' and yet what he learned from that could not have been placed in his heart any other way. God knew what would uplift and edify Abraham the most, and He knows our daily needs as well as the drastic milestones that mark our stumbling walk after Him.

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

Out of all the hate and darkness so prevalent in this world, God has made the mustard seed blossom. He's created beauty in this world, and He's made us pure and shining white as well. The righteousness, generosity, and kindness we share with each other each and every day define our reactions to that love. When you face the daily grind of school/work and of life itself, look to Him and find your peace. He makes beautiful things in this world, and died so that we could be counted amongst them. Without Him, we are merely dust that returns to the earth. Look to Him not just as an example of how we should be, but first and foremost as the one who made all this possible: Jesus Christ the Saving One.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us - Gungor, Beautiful Things

The Making of Joy!

So I've taken a long sabbatical from writing and doing the healthy things in my life to go get a job and be a working man. Sadly that hasn't panned out so I'm back now and hopefully I will make sure to get some thoughts down at least once in awhile....

What a month it has been! After working for a little over a month now I have realized school is just much better. The transition has definitely taken its toll on me and I feel a wellspring of unreconciled feelings building up. I want to give up all these things to God and live in His presence. Not in worry of the past or of the future. Of what job I will have or the mistakes I have made. Not to be jealous of others but rather to see God's will in each of our lives.

The makings of this transition are quite similar to what happened when I began college, so everything kind of goes in a circle. History repeats itself. I just got out of a relationship, just as I did four years ago. The adjustment requires changes to lifestyle and a greater workload, which adds to the stress and buildup. And most of all I am left with the feeling once again I should have taken the time I had to seek after God instead of chasing things I thought would make me happy. The same realization as before happened again: God makes us joyful.

The simple truth of it all makes it easy to say, yet so very hard to follow at times. I'm reminded of a little kid walking with his dad at the beach. The dad promises the kid infinite candy (or whatever you liked as a kid) when they get back home, but they have to walk to the car first. On the way, the little kid forgets the promise and goes around looking for shells and playing with the sand. Here and there the dad urges the kid on and yet still patiently waits for him to be done playing. Sounds like me.

Here we come to the idea of discipline. Pastor Brian gave a sermon on it a couple of weeks ago. It was alongside prayer. He said prayer should encompass all the emotions and love that we feel, but that having these feelings during prayer is not just a spontaneous and random occurrence. These things happen when day after day we come seeking God. When we find ourselves so sinful and so in need of His company and presence. Prayer should burst out of us, we pray not because we owe Him something but because we cannot live without Him. We need it, we crave it, we seek it day in and day out. But for some reason, we don't do it. We just sit twiddling our thumbs waiting for the next splash of joy and forgo the everlasting Joy set before us.

What is this joy that God gives us. We should at least know what we're looking forward to right? I'm reminded of a verse from Hebrews.

²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:2

Brian preached on this last week. He talked about how Jesus, for the feast and celebration that awaited Him, endured all the things of this world. Not that we may see it as an example of what we should do, but rather to focus our eyes back on God and know that through Him all these things in our lives are possible!

I've failed to find joy in my work because it hasn't been centered on God. I haven't found it elsewhere because like the little kid, my mind isn't on the greater thing. Work is definitely something I am still getting used to. It's something I appreciate less than I should. It's a privilege and a blessing from God, not the grind that depresses me. Our joy day in and day out come from Christ. It comes from spending time with Him, from praying and hearing His words, from our friends and family that supports us. Whether we are alone or in a crowd, God is always there with His grace, protection, and blessings.

Joy isn't made or found in life outside of God. Being joyful is a response to God's blessings in our lives, and His love in the past present and future. Even when things feel at a loss, having the right focus can give our hearts peace. Thinking back, and thinking presently, I know that I have absolutely nothing to complain about. The more I steer my mind to God in everything I do; in my burdens as well as my happiness I know that despite all my depravity He chooses to embrace me each and every time...and that is Joy.

Starfield

There's a new Starfield album out and I've been obsessed with one of the songs.




There's a live version where they're like "The enemy destroyed" and the whole crowd cheers...soooo cool

My mom

My life started in 1988 and my journey to Christ did not consistent of milestones that showed me He existed. As a person I have never been that much for taking concrete stances on issues and I am learning the occasional necessity of that. I wish there was some moment in time where I prayed that Christ would enter my life and I could now look to Him as Lord and Savior but really gradually it just came to being in my life that Christ was there. So my testimony isn't about the events that changed how I lived my life and how Christ justified me but rather me looking back to the past and seeing that despite how I felt at the time Jesus was in my life all along. Since it is Mothers day soon however I will simply talk about my mom and how she is an example of Christ's shining light in my life.

I was born in China in a nondescript city somewhere. My mom wanted me to be born in Beijing however so her solution was to move me a few hours after birth to Beijing so my birth certificate would say that. I'm more shocked she was able to just get up after giving birth and go to another city, my mom is a strong women.

"No fear can hold me down, nor darkness steal my joy" -Starfield

When I was one my dad passed away from a brain tumor and my grandparents raised me for a few years. My mom had gone to get her masters and PhD in Canada. She actually came back after her masters to raise me while still studying because she wanted me to stay with her. I remember that this was during the times of 19 cent McDonald's hamburgers and I would always get them. We were pretty poor at the time and as I recall my mom often would just get me happy meals and nothing else herself. I'm really floored just by the amazing love that she showed during this time, even when I was pretty bratty she would still go out of her way to make sure I was fed well and generally doing alright. I used to reflect on these times as how I had suffered but in reality it was my mom who had to bear alone the burden of these things.

Christ's love works in amazing ways. In order to support me while getting her degree, my mom took on a couple extra jobs as maids on the weekends. By some 'coincidence' our family became very close with them and they were actually the ones who taught me English. It was also by that chance that one of them was Christian and that is when my mom started going to church. I'm not really sure of how my mom progressed in her faith then because I don't understand Chinese that well. All I know is that we started going to church here and there, never consistently but my mom would still go. People ask the question 'If God is a loving God, why would He allow such sufferings in this world?' and my mom who went through this sufferings still found Him to be a loving God. That in itself is a great testimony to me that Christ is actively working in our lives. That in these things we are constantly stretched so that we can grow. That our testimony saves others, that our lives are there to show others what Christ has done and what He is doing.

I'm reminded of a scene from Bruce Almighty, where God is talking to Bruce at the end about miracles and one of the things he said was "A single mom who's working two jobs, and still finds time to take her son to soccer practice, that's a miracle" I played soccer as a kid....''

More to be done later

Baptism

A few members of my church got baptized on Sunday and it was an amazing experience. I'll write more about it when I have time but I wanted to share a song that we sang that really stood out to me.

Who, oh Lord, could save themselves,
Their own soul could heal?
Our shame was deeper than the sea
Your grace is deeper still

Who, oh Lord, could save themselves,
Their own soul could heal?
Our shame was deeper than the sea
Your grace is deeper still

You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
To You alone belongs the highest praise

You, oh Lord, have made a way
The great divide You heal
For when our hearts were far away
Your love went further still
Yes, your love goes further still

You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
To You alone belongs the highest praise
To You alone belongs the highest praise
To You alone belongs the highest praise

You alone

We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life

You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
To You alone belongs the highest praise
To You alone belongs the highest praise
To You alone belongs the highest praise

To You alone

-Matt Redman 'You alone can rescue'

The one line that really drove a stake into my heart was this : "You came down to find us, led us out of death "

It reminded me of this time when I was a kid. We had gone to an amusement park with the family and through the course of having fun I got lost in a dark alley and being a little kid, all I did really was cry and cry til my grandparents had found me.

I feel that in the same way we at some point in our lives were just like the lost kid crying in an alley. How hopeless and desolate it must have felt, how gracious we should have been to that person who rescued us from it all. If it isn't clear at this point: Jesus came to rescue us from the impending darkness and led us into His light and mercy.

Sometimes I still feel I end up in another dark alley. In another place where I feel lost and alone, where I can't seem to find a way out. But the gracious savior who found me the first time seems to come to my rescue and led me back on the right path again and again. He came to save us regardless of our crimes against him! Though we were fallen and walking towards death it was all washed away by His sacrifice.

And so this baptism service has a lot of meaning. It means that God is still in this world, that He is still adding workers daily to the harvest, and that His blessings grow each and every day. So to Megan Wong, Tim Yu, David Lai, and Bowie Hao, I'm glad you're all now part of God's great family :)

Goodness

Note to self: Have more goodness...whatever that means

Peace

What does it mean to have peace? I think recently my mind and heart have been so burdened with the things of life that I haven't been able to find the peace that God promised us. And right now I feel the need to just get everything off my chest and give these burdens to God and hope and pray that He'll take away what I can't keep holding in.

School: 4 midterms down, 4 to go. 4 projects left. 6 finals. I did poorly on half those midterms simply because I didn't get enough sleep and misread the questions. I'm killing myself over them because I studied so much and it just happened to be a few stupid mistakes that ruins the soup. I have 2 next week, one for Health Econ and the other for Auditing. I don't even want to think about the projects because I can't get my mind off the midterms and what I need to learn for them. Not to mention that it just means finals are up and coming and I don't know how on earth I am going to do well in any of them.

Job: I can't find one. I suck at looking and I suck at interacting with people who could hire me. Not to mention I'm not really getting any interviews so it's like well you can't even talk to them so you don't need to learn how to talk to them yet. I had a good talk with my mom today about it and I'm feeling less strained about it. Not to mention some people have been very helpful and encouraging in helping me look and stuff so I'm really thankful for that. I just want to keep praying that God provides and that I have the will and heart to just place these struggles with him.

Things of the heart: In this subject I have been devastated lately, and it's been such a struggle in a lot of aspects and just a burden that I want to cast away. First issue, I've been talking and hanging out with a girl, but with graduation and things coming up it is a very complicated situation that I haven't been treating well and that I have been thinking about more than healthy haha. I wish things would just resolve but like pastor Brian said in the sermon today sometimes our struggles grow us in ways we couldn't have imagined, or we're simply not seeing enough. I want to make this into something that I can use to glorify God and to set His will and presence in it all. There is nothing that can be forced that wouldn't fall down again without the approval and grace God gives us in this area and therefore there is no need to get ahead of ourselves before God has prepared the way.

Now this kind of ties to 'Things of the heart' but it's a more concrete and basic struggle. I am still not good at this forgiveness thing and it seems like not dealing with it just makes things add up greatly to a point I'm really angry and frustrated. So basically, someone caused a stirrup between me and another friend. And from that point on I have been really angry/annoyed at my friend. Things just kinda added up and I find that I still do not have the heart to let it go and just forgive and forget. Some things are fundamental differences and some are simply prideful foolishness. At the crux of the issue, I feel that I am the way who was being wronged both ways, but since neither of them can/will do anything I need to be the one to suck it all up and let everything go. I thought forgiving someone when they said sorry was hard, but when it isn't your fault? Oh my God it is the worst thing ever. Bringing my 'tremendous' struggle down to earth, it's something Jesus did. He forgave even though they were so wretched and evil. And even when they still sinned afterwards He still forgave and forgives them and provides us with his grace and love and mercy every day to sustain us. So I give this burden to Him, because no matter what way or method I can think of this is not something I can capable of doing and I know that He will save me from the hatefulness of holding grudges. I even want to make myself seem righteous in 'forgiving' but I know I'm not and it just seems to make things worse sometimes. No matter who's fault is it and what needs to be done, it's always better to suck it up and do the right thing yourself (with Christ).

So this post is sort of a prayer. That I give all of these struggles and more just to God. I am weak and burdened and tired. I haven't been resting well thinking about these things and I kind of miss having that chill-ness that I usually feel. So God, I know that I'm writing these things down, mostly because my mind is too much in a mess to think these thoughts coherently, but I just give these things to you Lord. Help me to view my struggles as a way to glorify you, and as thing you have given me that only shows me more of your love and kindness. That I may in all of this see your grace at work and your constant provision and care for me Lord. Help me to see that this isn't the end or start of anything but only a mere roadblock on the way to You and it is a roadblock that You will dash away. Give my heart the peace I seek Lord and my mind the rest that I have been missing without You. Amen

This we know we have a new life
We are Yours now and forever
In this life all that we seek
To be with You more than anything
-Hillsong

Selfishness

So today I was sitting at church and during worship for some reason my mind kept wondering to other things. Long story short, I wasn't really paying attention to the worship but just my own worries and concerns. It was ironic because the song was about focusing on God and giving all we are to worship him. I find it so easy to get distracted even during the message with the things that I need to take care of; finding a job, homework, dealing with relationships and it's like even though we aren't supposed to worry it doesn't exactly leave when we go to church or something. I find that the ability to not worry and to abandon all we are should not just happen every Sunday but rather should be something we strive for each and every day. I am so in want of all these things that I don't really stop and think for once that Jesus said

'But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.' -Matthew 6:33

This is very counter-intuitive to me; in order to receive the things that we are concerned/thinking about we must just think about God and stop worrying about the rest. So in a secular way, only when we don't care about something can we have it. Spiritually, we realize that we never needed it in the first place, that God is greater than any of the other hopes we longed for. I was reading in 'The Great Divorce' today about this woman who was afraid of going to heaven because she was a ghost and she thought that the heavenly people seeing through her was too embarrassing. And because of that she would rather have just gone back to hell/purgatory than stay in heaven and face the embarrassment associated with that. And of course from our perspective it just looks silly until we get to the heart of what C.S. Lewis was trying to describe in this scene; the next lines in the story were 'Friend' said the Spirit. 'Could you, only for a moment, fix your mind on something not yourself?' How true is that for all of us? That we are so occupied with our presence and joy in life we forget to see the bigger picture sometimes. If the woman had just thought about something else, had thought about the joy and eternal happiness she could have received instead of her temporary embarrassment she would have been fine. But seeing from a third person perspective and being that person is always different.

I know that I tend to focus on the temporary more so than not. Embodying what is commanded in Matthew is so difficult, and it is a test each day that I fail very often. Pastor Brian said that the more we grow to know Christ, the more we see of our complete depravity and wretchedness. That walking in Christ shouldn't lead us to think we're getting better, but rather that more and more just how great and loving and amazing God is and what fallen people we are. But this grace doesn't mean we should just accept that He is forgiving and keep focusing on the temporary, on the relative concerns of each day. Rather we should always remember that Christ comes first and let that thought envelop and change our every day. That we throw away embarrassment and worry and fear of ridicule and just bring Him glory in the ways we're called to. I'm pretty sure I can't do what I just said we should. If we were so capable of realizing our own faults and changing them there would be no need for Jesus and His sacrifice. But it shouldn't be something we leave aside and wait til later either. In the end as we've seen, Jesus will call us to forsake all the temporary anyways so it isn't something really avoidable in any case.

I'll end with this random verse of the day: “This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” -1 John 4:10 The thing that stood out to me was that our definition of love is flawed because we are faulty beings. I feel a lot of the things that we distinguish as either 'good' or 'bad' change definitions when it comes from God's perspective. That we have corrupted these good and bad things and made them into something only applicable to us. That is why this verse is important, because love isn't quantified as something that comes from us, from sinful creatures but rather from God. Therefore we know that this love is perfect and that also this is the love that can fill us and overflow if only we let it.

My whole life is Yours
I give it all
Surrendered to Your Name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way
Have Your way
-Hillsong

Stagnation

So I haven't really blogged in awhile. A lot has been going on recently after I got back from Korea. I got robbed and lost all my pictures...that was no fun. And I guess also with 22 units school seems a little hectic here and there and I feel the slow pressure of midterms and performance requirements creeping up and weighing on my shoulders. But to be quite honest, I simply wanted to avoid the need to have to think, to have to come to terms with the things I haven't been doing, to not think about and pass over the faith that I have been neglecting. But with all things that are inevitable, I felt it was a better idea to simply admit my faults and find where I last left off my walk.

It all started with this little problem. This thing that I turned in my head into something bad, into something I would remember. And I suppose that once the thoughts of jealous, betrayal, and anger being sprouting up, it really becomes a foothold for Satan to grab on and to build up on. I think that when Jesus told us to forgive, it is not merely because He forgave but also because it is quite simply in our best interest to. Maybe that one sin wasn't much, but as it just kind of remained with me other things began to sprout up and before I knew it things just got kind of outta control.

I don't think it was a decided act on my part, but once I was thinking about all these things my desire to pray and spend time with God just sort of edged away. God was right as always, we cannot serve two masters. If we begin to obey one, our devotion to the other will slowly but surely fade away. Lucky for me, God is gracious in His mercy and forgiveness and is always giving us chances to turn back and realize that the true master is in the opposite direction. I know that recently I've been stagnant, and as I drift the sins just pile on and on. I think what finally made me want to do something about this was a passage from C.S. Lewis' 'The Great Divorce'

Having allowed oneself to drift, unresisting, unpraying, accepting every half-conscious solicitation from our desires, we reached a point where we no longer believed the Faith.

I still don't feel the call, the pressing need to spend time with God..but I feel that is more because people in sin simply feel the emptiness that comes with not being near God and this emptiness also destroys our desire to be with Him.

Though I feel numb I want to pray. I want to seek Him though I can't seem to muster the emotion for that feeling. I need God because I realized a long time ago that this world without Him would be empty and desolate and hopeless. That I desire in my heart something that this world can't satisfy, though sometimes I seem to turn away from this thought. 'Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?' -Mere Christianity

And when it comes down, there is the impending realization that is God who is doing all this. That though I am far from Him, He is still calling to me to come and follow him. That I find forgiveness with him, and the heart to forgive others in that love. I hope that my prayer and my quiet times are not simply to find answers to my struggles, but rather to spend time loving and worshiping God; otherwise it would seem like I'm just using Him for my ends. It always comes as a shock and awe kind of thing to me when someone finds a great way to describe God's love for us, because I am always at a loss for words when it comes to it. I was reading A Grief Observed, where C.S. Lewis is talking through the loss of his wife Joy and wishes to some degree that he could endure that pain for her. What really stood out was that, if given the option to endure the pain for someone, would we actually do it? Do we really have that selflessness that allows us to sacrifice our well being for someone else, for even a loved one. But then we see the character of Jesus, who was given that choice and took it. Who, though we were dirty and wretched, STILL rescued us from death by taking our sufferings from us. Oh how He loves us! Lewis said that sometimes our faith and religion needs to be tested to show us how strong is it, and how much of it is solid when there is actually something at stake. Part of growing in our faith is to realize that Jesus is so much greater than anything we can imagine, and the things He has done are quite simply indescribable, unimaginable, and therefore all the more beautiful and majestic. I know that I will never find the words to describe Him, but that since He's the one doing the finding I don't have to worry about my own capacity for those things. And though I am numb, He will deliver me from the darkness.

I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness -John 12:46

Home

So I've been back in San Diego for awhile. It's nice and rainy and cold, all the things I can expect in Berkeley but everywhere just takes longer to get to. I think whenever I am back in San Diego, I am less happy here, for some obvious reasons and for some that are not so clear cut.

Obvious reasons...Though I love my sister very much, it is impossible to hang out with her as much as she demands. And so there always comes that time when I have to say I can't or that I am going somewhere else which makes my mom annoyed at me and unreasonable for some odd reason. Also she likes to wake me up at 10 which I think in my sleep schedule is where I have peak enjoyance of my sleeping time so it's tiring to do it everyday. And I guess on another note I hate having to drive to anywhere to ever get anything done, I don't think I'm at the point in my life where I would enjoy living in the suburbs. It's dry, my skin is peeling and cracking everywhere and I have chapped lips, ugh. Also, you can't drink the tap water here because someone decided to mix sewage or whatnot with it and it just tastes terrible. So yea, practical reasons why San Diego makes me grumpy. And also, although I know my mom loves me; she is an amazingly naggy person and won't stop mentioning every tiny detail. 'You can't wear those pants to an interview, you can't wear jeans to an interview' Like my common sense doesn't exist or something. But anyways...

I believe the heart of the issue behind my temporary stupor while here rests on a few things that I feel affect me subconsciously. I can't really tell if these things are the cause of the fact that I'm more on edge, and just less patient toward people because I'm not really thinking about these things actively. But anyways, the first thing is...

My relationship with my parents. I always felt and maybe still feel that in some ways my parents very stubborn and pointed views about certain issues deprived me of the experiences that I wanted to have in middle and high school. I'm not trying to blame them for the things that happened, but simply recognizing that I probably would have done things differently if I were a parent. One of the things was video games, my mom was completely against it because she felt they were utterly useless, and that I should not focus on anything else other than school. It got to a point where I got yelled at for playing solitaire, which still bewilders me. Now if I had schoolwork or some great hobby I really enjoyed than I wouldn't have minded, but when you're part of the nerd crowd in school that plays games, then you really don't have much opportunities to hang out with people you want to be your friend. It was either them or the skaters, and they did drugs and were generally bad people. Another thing was that my parents hated fun, so whenever I wanted to go out I had to get rides from friends, and it really does get annoying even for me when I have to keep asking not to mention how my friends must have felt. I do recognize that now however some of the things that they did make sense to me. I should have been pushed that hard to do the things I needed to, to get into a good school, and to develop a good character. Nowadays I think things have changed, they trust me more, they're more open to the things I do, and they care more about my character than my grades. It's different and sometimes I don't know what to do about that. I'm used to just being sent to my room and studying or something, and now it's like I can talk to them and stuff. But I don't, because I don't know how, conversation doesn't come easy , but maybe when I grown older and understand more things.

It's interesting thinking about this, because I realize that some of the things God does and calls us to do, we don't really understand. And I don't believe it's just because God is testing us or something, though that could be it. It could also be that we aren't mature enough to realize that the things God calls us to are for our good, the things He does are to grow and heal and lead us to Him. And I think that as we grow older, we'll maybe see why God challenged us before in the ways He did, why we needed that push, why we needed to be told no. Parents screw up, and even if they mean the best they still can't do the right thing all the time. God doesn't screw up, everything He presses on us, everything that we try to fight and argue against is for our good. So sometimes we just have to go with the flow, to simply obey God with the assurance that it will be for our good in the end. That as we grow more mature and older in our walk we will be able to see the reasons that elude us at this moment.

The second reason is that San Diego reminds me of my ex-girlfriend a lot. Being together for 1 1/2 years meant that most of the places I go to, I can think of something I had done with her there. I don't believe I'm feeling nostalgic, it's more the idea that it brings up those old feelings of regret and stupidity once again. There's a verse from a song that goes: "All I once held dear, I now count as loss." The related verse is from Philippians 3:7

" ⁷But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ."

I think this verse was forced on me. I knew when we broke up, that I had screwed up a lot and back tracked away from God. This is the first time I'm writing about it since then, having struggled and lived at Cal for all this time. I think I can understand some finer points that were hidden to me before. The relationship itself, I don't really want to talk about that. There was a lot of things I simply wasn't old enough to handle, a lot of obstacles, and a lot of arguments. I don't say bad things when I argue because I learned back then, how difficult it is to mend those wounds once they're open. And yet during all that time I professed to be Christian, I qted occasionally, I went to church and learned and thought I loved God and knew that He loved me. I still know that, but I recognize that the god I loved is not the same as the God who loved me. And so at that point in my life, I was clinging on to something that was of this world, that tempted me away, and that I held on to for dear life with all of me.

And the real God, who loved me, tore me away from all that. What I thought I needed, what I wanted and desired was simply taken away...and that to me was devastating. I was angry, I was sad, and desperate and confused. And so I was in freshmen year of Cal. I know God gave me a lot grace there, like the fact that I didn't have to be in San Diego, and that even though later I left, Gracepoint gave me the brotherhood and fellowship I needed at that time. And the God who loved me still leads me forth in my path, though I still struggle to count all as loss that I once/still hold dear. I don't think this will end now, I know that letting go will always be something I need help with, something that God is teaching me and working through me, to give all up and follow Him, to treasure Him above everything else that this world can offer me.

Sometimes I have these moments of super wisdom where I suddenly realize that God is all and that everything else just doesn't matter. And then they fade away and I get tempted by all the other stuff of the world. I know I have changed in some things, and it's a kind of interesting change I've observed. I still struggle with the same things I did in high school; I still am tempted and do get jealous, angry, annoyed, impatient, and prideful. These things come up in my life still and so often that I sometimes wonder if I am still the same person with these feelings. But then I realized that how I deal with it is vastly different now, and though I can't really explain it well I know I feel more at peace with my current decisions. Such as being able to just let some things go and not simply act out what I am feeling. I guess to some extent it doesn't get easier dealing with my vices, but the more I grow in God and put my faith in Him I know that I will have the capacity and the ability to do this; to have patience though I want to be angry, to accept that all is His to give and take despite my jealousy, to love instead when I feel angry, and to recognize that God is the one who does all of this in me though I am prideful.

It's so much easier to hold on and cling to things than to let go. I think because letting go makes it so less things are known, and I'm afraid of the dark so obviously I'd be afraid of the unknown. But there's an analogy I came up with once that works against me. I'll tell the story. I was coming back from Safeway and waiting for the bus, and there was this homeless lady waiting too that wouldn't stop asking me when the bus was coming, and if I could see it or not. Finally I got annoyed and told her that not matter how often she asks me, the bus isn't going to come any faster, and that it'll be here when it does. I don't think that would be such a bad mindset to have; we can't make the future come any quicker, we can only be patient and wait for it and trust that it is God's future for us. It's on schedule, and it's certainly not late unlike the bus. It'll come when it comes and us rushing and asking and seeking after it won't change that.

Sometimes I still think about it, about all the stupid things I've done, and wonder if it'll ever leave me. Ah, I just had an inspirational thought. The more we live, it should be that we see more and more clearly just how depraved creatures we really are. My vices of the past still remain with me, and I am still sinful in all those ways in my thoughts. It's like that David Crowder song "But the harder I try, the more clearly that I see the depth of our fall." I am in as much need of God now as I was then and as I will be forever. I don't know if I will forget all the stuff I regret and all the mistakes I made, but I do hope that I will always believe they are forgiven, that God has seen to take me, a prodigal son, back to Him.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (New International Version)

¹⁷Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

We are new, we are mended, we are saved, we are taken care of, and the old things have gone.
And this makes all the difference, this changes everything, making our whole existence have meaning so we sing....

And while I was proofreading this a cool verse came up.

“This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”- Isaiah 43:16, 18-19

Do not dwell on the past...Though I do tell other people to do this I have a tendency sometimes to do it anyways. Haha sorry to those who this applies to. So I guess this is kind of God's answer and guide to my current struggle, to really let everything go and forget the former things. To perceive and observe the things God is doing in the present; all the glorious and wonderful and miraculous things. With so many things to observe, we won't even have time to think about the former things anymore!

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want
-Brooke Fraser


As a second addendum, I am very thankful for the parents that I did have. Even though I was just a step-kid, my step-dad really does love me and cares about what kind of person I become. I don't really mind most of the things that happened since it's all in the past, I just feel some of the things that did happen are what contributed to our strange family dynamics.

Bad Habits

So I have a good memory for random information, and also for bad things that happen to me. In fact, I still remember in high school when my dad didn't let me go see Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King in theaters. When I mention it to him, he gets angry that I still remember that.

I guess when somebody wrongs me in some way, its easy for me to say I forgive them, but I don't believe I would forget about those things readily. I guess for the most part, I thought it was alright to behave this way, that forgetting was different from forgiving. Then I read this article:

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002188.cfm

The topic is a little different, but I feel I have the same general struggle as the writer. And he mentioned an interesting idea, that when we sin against someone, in reality it is simply that person's sin against God. It's prideful of me to think that someone's sin against me is worse than the sin towards God. Even though I might feel wronged, the sin itself is much worse towards God than anything someone could do to me. And it's not like I haven't committed the same sins, it's hypocritical of me to forget my own sins while judging someone else.

He also writes in part II about how he replays images in his head, and that's what hurts him the most. I was like, yea, I do that too. So I mean, this dude is strikingly similar to me, except he's married and writes a lot better.

I think for a while I was okay with not forgetting, with just forgiving and working through the other parts as time passed. But now I think I need to do both, in fact it was a pretty obvious command.

I like when things connect together. I've been doing memory verses and I memorized Hebrews 12:1-2 recently:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with great perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us FOCUS OUR EYES ON JESUS CHRIST, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.'

So I haven't memorized it perfectly, but you get the idea. That first part of verse II has really stuck with me this week, focusing on Jesus in all I do. Jesus who forgave our sins, and who also forgot our transgressions against him. (Isaiah 43:25)

It's interesting that this verse came from Isaiah, because I realized today that Isaiah is the book I should qt with now.

Anyways, I should do what Jesus does. I'm not really forgiving if I can't forget. The bitterness won't go away unless I let it go. I'm sorry for thinking I could do one without the other, for not sincerely forgiving.

So no more second guessing, no more distrust. I will forgive and forget. I will trust fully and not doubt. And...I won't fail to do this, because Christ did it, and so through His power I am able.

"Come now, let us reason together,"
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.

-Isaiah 1:18

Oh how He loves us.

Sometimes when things go too right, I tend to forget about God. I still pray and worship, but I fail to listen to God for most of the time. When He speaks I would rather think about all the things I can do in a day and the temporarily happiness that I can find without needing His guidance. Yet when some things break down its when I finally realize that I need God so much more than I thought, when He is all I have and all that I should depend on is when I see His love for us.

Why is it that when things go well we always lose sight of the great Lord. Maybe that's why there is so much pain and suffering in the world, because when there is extended happiness all we learn to depend and lean on for support and joy is our friends, our families, our material possessions, our worldy lives. Yet when we have everything taken away, when God is the only one that remains, that we finally lean on him and learn about Him and know that He is just as good in the past when there was joy as now when there is suffering. God is constant through all, He is the same yesterday, today, and forevermore. It makes logical sense then to contemplate that the sufferings we endure are therefore for our own good, because it brings us closer to Him.

I'm beginning to think that is the trick to living a content and satisfying life, to be able to enjoy God when we are doing well in life, and also to not have to change when things go wrong, because our hope has been on Him this entire time. What does it mean to lean on God? I don't even know anymore. What does it mean to have Him in our lives? How do we gain this strength to survive, to keep going and to see the grace that He provides us everyday when we lose our crutch. There is that one parable that I see people use often; 'Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him forever.' God could just give us a satisfying good life, but how can we ever learn about Him, about the person behind all these fish, if everyday we just wake up to fish on our tables. God is teaching us how to fish, how to live in Him. When we don't go fishing everyday, we end up hungry. Sadly, unlike hunger, we don't realize our depravity and our dire need for Christ until it is quite simply too late. We need to make our lives like that, where God is more important than food, where one day without Him will leave us starving and needing to get back to Him as soon as possible.

Recently, this idea of bearing with one another crept up in my life. That I'm supposed to seek after others with love and patience, bearing with their faults and forgiving them. There's a lot of people in my life that I don't really bear with. I would rather hang out with my close friends, and the others I'm willing just to see on a necessity basis; it's not really the right thing to do. Where on earth do I find this love when I have none of own, where can I turn now. Sometimes I'm scared to pray for certain things, because I think the way God answers prayers is to force us into situations that require those skills we prayed for. I pray for patience and God puts in my life those who I would quickly lose patience with. I pray for trust in God and then suddenly there are moments where I have no other options but to put my hopes and my faith in Him. I end up praying for them anyways, and enduring the consequences. This is because I figure those skills, though I don't want to go through learning to have them, will eventually prove much more useful in my life. If God knows my heart and my needs, why should I not acknowledge them myself. And when it comes to a point where I don't believe I can handle it anymore, when I find my strength lacking and draining away, I find that miraculously the energy I need fills my heart and I keep going. How God loves us so. So my prayer is for forgiveness, to love those I would rather not love. To throw away all my earthly assumptions and pride and desires, and simply turn to Him knowing that His will is sovereign and that all is for our good in the end, no matter how painful and mysterious it might seem at the present.

If His grace is like an ocean, we're all sinking.

Danny Boy

I read this short story today that started out really really really slow, but somehow picked up and ended shockingly. I have to say it was something I wasn't expecting, but considering the site I don't see why I was so surprised at the end of it all. It was a long metaphor about Jesus' sacrifice for us, and the right attitude we should have in light of that. It doesn't tell us to be consumed by guilt, but rather have a gratitude for Him, for the Savior that freed us from the guilt and led us to something better than ourselves. The only problem with the story was that it took about 100 pages to go through it all.

The story linked me to this passage in the Bible.

Philippians 2

Imitating Christ's Humility

¹If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ²then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. ³Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. ⁴Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

⁵Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
⁶Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
⁷but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
⁸And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
⁹Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
¹⁰that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
¹¹and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

'Do not do anything out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.' Here's a lesson for me if I've ever seen one. I find that I"m calculating in a way that I will tend to act for my own benefit regardless of the situation, and that usually it ends up being the first thing I think of. It's something I've been working on, and quite honestly I'm still failing pretty badly at this point. It's hard to let everything go for God, which is an interesting thought, because He let everything go for us. We can repay God for all that He has done, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.

Humility is such an important idea, with very relevant practical applications. I find it pretty easy to consider someone worse than me, but to humble myself to someone I feel is lesser and put his/her needs and burdens over mine is certainly a strange idea. Slowly I've been working at giving God credit for the things of my life, and I hope as a part of that I begin to put others in a place over me, to love them more than I love myself.

I've realized that our journey needs to begin with God. That before we have the capacity to humble ourselves to others, and to carry their burdens, we must have a communion with God that reflects our unity with Him, our desires to spend more time with him and grow in him. Through this process, our hearts will begin to turn towards the right direction. No longer will we be influenced by our own ambitions, because we know that humanely ambitions are doomed to fail. The will of God prevails, and so it naturally makes sense we should learn from God how to be successful in life.

Whole

Ephesians 1:3-4

How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. -The Message

³Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, ⁴ even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. -ESV

I want to tackle this idea of being made whole and holy in Christ. It's amazing to think that before anything was created, God had already planned for our creation and our lives. That amid all the greatness of nature and the world that surrounds us and encompasses us, God had already decided that we would be the objects of His love and grace. How spectacular that is, to think that our lives were already set so that we would grow and that we would be happy and joyful forever! Worrying about the little details of life seems so insignificant compared the whole picture really, of what we are here to do and what we will accomplish in this world. But God planned it all, the little details and the big pictures, He loved us enough to do that, to make sure that we would not lose our way forever, that His hand would always be there to push and guide us.

This idea of being whole in Christ is really something else. As I think about it, I'm a very incomplete person. I might have some strengths, but many weaknesses that tend to overshadow any benefits I might provide people in life. I am wretched, depraved, useless, and hateful. I find it hard to love others, I would rather find minor annoyances to judge them by and perhaps sacrifice valuable friends in the process. I always expect the worst out of people, but demand their best. And when they can't provide that, I tell myself that's who they are and hate them for it. As I walk in Christ, I've learned that these things aren't going to become easier, and by my strength they will always remain. But Christ is making me whole, and when I can't find the strength to love, to accept people, He will provide. That though my heart is in pieces, and I wander the world blind, His hand is leading me to where He is. To be made whole in Christ is a glorious thing indeed. All these holes in my life are being filled up, and as they do, I'm finding my heart more and more in peace with where Christ has placed me. Life isn't about being the richest or the most powerful, but rather about finding that contentment with our lot. I think as incomplete beings, we always seek something to fill the hole, but it always falls short. Finally Christ filled that hole for us, and the Holy Spirit is sealing it, that we might have that peace at last. Without God, we would be lacking, without God, we would be wandering forever. Glory to God the Father and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit that decided we should not wander forever, and let us rest by the creek and enjoy God's greatness.

'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far, and Grace will lead me home.

God of all grace.

1 Peter 5

I lead this passage for small group, and it had a lot of good things to say to elders and young'uns that apply to everybody really. I guess reading this again, one thing that stood out was verse 8-10.

⁸Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. ¹⁰And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

When I was leading it for small group I didn't really take into account what verse 9 really meant. I recognized that the devil prowls, and recently in my life I've seen that it does and it's presence in tempting me to sin. But now verse 9 gives me strength. We are not alone in this struggle, whatever may be. No matter how much we think we're alone in our sufferings or that some struggle is ours alone, there are only so many situations in the world and so many people to experience them. I'm assured that someone in the world is undergoing the same struggle as me, and I as him. The thing that joins us together however is not our similarities, but rather our joint union and love in Christ. He is who we came from, our present companion, and our future. Together with fellow believers, we resist the sin that tempts us so, and as such the God of grace, who called us to him, will restore us.

¹⁰And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

For a little while, may seem like a lot at the present time. But as is with most things in life, as it passes by the moments of our sufferings will seem like that, only moments. It's interesting to think that when all has been said and done, it's not that we have grown any more by ourselves, or that we are stronger for the matter. God gives us the strength to accomplish what we are called to. And after our strength is depleted, He is the one who gives us our strength back, who makes us firm in Him, and fixed upon the purpose of our existence.

So as I'm suffering, I know that God is watching over me, and that others around the world are praying for the same thing, are seeking the same peace that I am in wont of. But this is only for a little while, til God calls us to Him, and we shall finally enjoy all the joy that our hearts are ever longing for. The joy that can't be replaced, that lasts forever and never fades. And while we're on earth, God blesses us with his strength and keeps us fixed upon Him, upon the greatness that He is, that we will not be afraid to follow, and not be afraid to declare!

Sustaining grace

This week was good, I learned a lot of stuff.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I had Nutri Sci and Accounting midterms stacked on the same day. I thought that I could totally just drop the nutri sci midterm and do well on it next time since I wouldn't have overlapping midterms again right? Too bad I had 3 in the same week and nutri sci stacked on the same day again. Thus began my week.

I thought it would be a lot worse than it was, and I think that, that difference was what kept me through the week. Needless to say, I was pretty tired through most of it and obviously lacking on sleep. At one point I felt like I would get a heart attack because I had done way too much already.

I read this quote randomly somewhere secret on Monday

"Be joyful in your sufferings" -Probably Paul

Now, granted my sufferings were self inflicted, it doesn't mean they weren't sufferings. But my mind was always on this, and it got me through the days. When you're a kid, you always look for the thing that will always make you happy, and you go for it. As adults, it seems like path to happiness is a little muddy. If we always look for something that doesn't hurt, that doesn't cause us discomfort, I believe we will be looking for the rest of our lives in this world. I say this because I believe that we don't find God, He finds us. I can't imagine how unbelievably difficult it would be to find the Lord when we're covered completely in the filth and sin of our existence.

This phrase makes a lot of sense to everybody. That we should be joyful while we're hurting, that we should find contentment in what God has provided for us, because he sustains us everyday. While I was cramming, I heard the most amazing song ever. I listened to this a lot awhile back, and now that I hear it again I'm reminded of that feeling when God first showed himself to me, and just how amazing that was. It's interesting, because I still feel the same way..sometimes.

The song was written by John Newton, owner of slave traders in the Indies who later reformed and became a priest.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

This really moves everything back to God. I understand that sufferings are a part of life, and that they will pass, as happiness does in the same way. I'm really finding it hard to express the feelings that I feel reading these lyrics, and I think it's the same inexplicable feeling of when Grace appeared to us. How can we even begin to describe this deep love, so flawless and beautiful and perfect, given to us the undeserving. And that last part does grieve me so, because I know I am wretched and undeserving, yet I still received it. Through all my sin and shame, I was lifted up from the darkness into where I could see, so those feelings come back once again.
I think when Newton wrote 'Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear' He was talking about how when our eyes are opened, all we see is the darkness, the sin in our lives. For someone who had engaged in the slave trade, the fear of all that must have been overwhelming. BUT, it was also Grace that gave him the peace of heart to conquer those fears, to know that he has been brought out of the darkness. I wonder if he knew that God would use him in all these ways.

This past week, I've also been thinking about how we carry each others burdens. I don't believe it simply means to care for others, it means to really love them and pray and be there for their and feel their sorrow in your heart and cry for them. Jesus wept when he felt the sorrow of Lazarus's death. Though He knew that Lazarus would rise again, he still grieved with them, and loved them so. Usually I'm so self absorbed in my own needs and wants that I don't really think about those around me, those going through awful problems that I might have dealt with, and that they could really use prayer for. I have this problem with having pride in having overcome those issues, not realizing that all along someone was praying for me, someone was carrying me burdens, God was holding my hand and at points carrying me across when I could not walk. I want to grieve with them in the same way, to know their burdens and to just let them know that there is a way out, and that the light will appear if they pray hard enough. I wish I could simply place the assurance in their hearts that they will be fine, since in these cases words seem to fall short. But God speaks in the amazingly ways that we're foreign to, and through prayer I know its possible that He will give them the peace the need, and the place to turn to for their troubles, under Him. It's grace that has carried us thus far, and that shall lead us home!

All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever. -Isaiah

This verse relates to a Switchfoot song I was listening to earlier called 'Gone', where everything that is material disappears. It's kinda cool that I found this verse and then the song came up. One of the verses that really stood out was 'My high school dreams are gone.' and I laughed because my high schools dreams are definitely gone, I don't even think I have one of those realistic what I see the future as moments anymore. Everything fades, so why should we live? I realized recently that I have contentment in not having too much, and I don't think I would mind having a normal job and living like that, but once you add a family and kids the equation gets all jumbled up. Beyond that, I still worry about a lot of things that I should just give up to God. I don't want kids now, (unlike a person I know) but I also know that I need to have some responsibility. Time isn't money, but it also isn't ours to waste, we were placed here for a reason and we need to search after and make sure we answer our call. It kind of leads to prayer, which is what we talked about at sg leader prep. How prayer should be the most important, because it doesn't matter how much we know about the Bible or share or show charity, if we're not communicating with God. In Hebrews, it talks about how Christ was the final perfect sacrifice so we could speak with God directly, as opposed to through the priesthood. It is such a shame that sometimes we take it so lightly, something that Jesus sacrificed himself so we could do and we simply ignore it to do other stuff. Prayer should define our calling, it should define who we are and what we are to do, because that's a place where God communicates to us. We often don't hear what He says because we're simply not listening. All the static and noise of living in this world has numbed us and we need to run from it all even for a little bit if we wish to see and know all the good and grace God has planned for us.

I don't want to cling to the things of this world, the things I love so much. I once bragged that I didn't need much to live with, just my laptop would suffice. But the fact of the matter is I didn't even think of the Bible. We can have everything in the world, but what good is it if we don't have God. (Granted Biblegateway.com is nice) Thinking about these things have simply shown me that I am a great sinner and God is a great savior. God lasts forever, that's nice to know. I believe however that when I finally and fully realize the meaning of those words, I'll be silenced by how powerful they are. I don't think that I can see now how fully I have fallen, and how much God has done for us. I guess I'll keep that in mind for another time.

Twas Grace that brought me safe thus far, and Grace will lead me home.

God, the great provider of all, to Him be everlasting power, dominion and glory till the end of the ages and beyond. Amen.


I Will, am writing this with my own hands.....haha j/k.