You make beautiful things

All this pain, I wonder if I'll find my way.
I wonder if my life could really change at all.

Today I was started listening to Beautiful Things by Gungor because Tammy had it as her cellphone ringtone and being the popular girl she is she kept getting calls. The first part of this verse caught my ears, since it seemed to apply to what I was experiencing.

Not that I'm turning emo, but the things going on in my last post are still going on and therefore I'm more contemplative than stupidly happy. I finally picked up Pursuit of God today, after a long break from reading that book I started again from the beginning and found that the feelings I had previous arose again. All this pain, all the struggles and beatings life throws at us and continues to do so, how do we get out of it. I still struggle with this idea of how in every day life and work we can focus everything on God again and again and through the long hours lean to Him and grow and love and cherish the blessings He's given us when in front of us is a huge pile of work that just keeps growing.

As I think to the future, I don't really expect much to change in terms of work life. If I won the lottery and just lived with that it would be nice, but as a wise friend said to me once: "being rich simply makes others covet." I don't think I would want a job that would be easy and simple living for just myself. After observing those older and further along in their walk in the church body I noticed an interesting detail. The husband serves the wife in the work he takes on. He takes the path that allows the wife a higher degree of freedom in her life choices, whether to stay at home or go out and work. In some ways, this is reflective of the love Christ shows us as the head of the church. We are to serve Him but in reality He serves us and grants us daily the needs that sustain us every day. Therefore the husband, being head of the household, should give to the wife all that is possible and serve her in the ways of Christ. I want to do whatever will make my own family better, to allow my wife to choose whatever she feels called to, for my kids to grow in an unbroken home where they can learn the blessings of God and not always the hardship that defines so many of our lives.

All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

Now we know from Bible spoilers that what is lost has been found. We know that God took what was dirty and wretched and make it beautiful. Out of the darkness He pulled us into the light and clothed us in His holiness. "Thou hast formed us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless til they find rest in thee." -Augustine. I think this helps in explaining why we as people find it so hard to do any one thing for too long a period of time. There is nothing on earth that could satisfy our hearts.

"The simplicity which is in Christ is rarely found among us. In its stead are programs, methods, organizations, and a world of nervous activity which occupy time and attention but can never satisfy the longing of the heart."

Only Christ can satisfy our attention and our hearts. And while it may seem like one activity that might grow old after awhile, the beauty and secret of it is that there is such an infinite depth to His character and love that we can never run out of things to explore while spending time with Him.

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

So we come to this realization that without God everything is incomplete. That we need Him not only in our lives but to be everything to us. We need to give up everything that we cling to that is not Him. To throw our lives away and empty what is the 'self' to be filled by that which demands our everything. To possess nothing of this world but in return to gain that which is untouchable, unbelievable, and unbelievably beautiful.

For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it - Matthew 16:25

For me this means to not cling to the future I imagine in my head. To not get ahead of God and begin giving myself things which I feel would give me satisfaction. To live in every moment looking to God and like a recently found child to adore and worship the one who rescued me from the world. It doesn't make sense to write a future for ourselves, when God is undoubtedly the best author out there. To give up our lives isn't something we should think of as bad, because what we get in return is so much greater than our imaginations would've made up.

"Abraham possessed nothing and yet was blessed with everything" -Tozer

Tozer brings up Abraham as a monumental example of someone who trusted in God with all his being and in his life allowed God to take control and make his paths level. However, being a human being Abraham was not perfect and we see in Genesis his continued struggle with his lack of progeny and God's demand of his patience. Tozer tells the story of how Isaac came to being as the one who would fulfill all of God's promises and how Abraham grew instantly to love and adore him. Tozer talks about how Abraham's love for Isaac bordered on dangerous and that his eyes had turned away from God. So finally God had to tear Abraham away from that and demand Isaac be sacrificed. We know that Abraham give up his only son in order to obey God, and in his own way still trusted in God to provide in his promises. Though God was seemingly taking away the thing that He has promised Abraham, Abraham still trusted in God's love and knew that the promise would be fulfilled. He obeyed God to the end despite what seemed like the opposite of 'blessings and riches' and yet what he learned from that could not have been placed in his heart any other way. God knew what would uplift and edify Abraham the most, and He knows our daily needs as well as the drastic milestones that mark our stumbling walk after Him.

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

Out of all the hate and darkness so prevalent in this world, God has made the mustard seed blossom. He's created beauty in this world, and He's made us pure and shining white as well. The righteousness, generosity, and kindness we share with each other each and every day define our reactions to that love. When you face the daily grind of school/work and of life itself, look to Him and find your peace. He makes beautiful things in this world, and died so that we could be counted amongst them. Without Him, we are merely dust that returns to the earth. Look to Him not just as an example of how we should be, but first and foremost as the one who made all this possible: Jesus Christ the Saving One.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us - Gungor, Beautiful Things

The Making of Joy!

So I've taken a long sabbatical from writing and doing the healthy things in my life to go get a job and be a working man. Sadly that hasn't panned out so I'm back now and hopefully I will make sure to get some thoughts down at least once in awhile....

What a month it has been! After working for a little over a month now I have realized school is just much better. The transition has definitely taken its toll on me and I feel a wellspring of unreconciled feelings building up. I want to give up all these things to God and live in His presence. Not in worry of the past or of the future. Of what job I will have or the mistakes I have made. Not to be jealous of others but rather to see God's will in each of our lives.

The makings of this transition are quite similar to what happened when I began college, so everything kind of goes in a circle. History repeats itself. I just got out of a relationship, just as I did four years ago. The adjustment requires changes to lifestyle and a greater workload, which adds to the stress and buildup. And most of all I am left with the feeling once again I should have taken the time I had to seek after God instead of chasing things I thought would make me happy. The same realization as before happened again: God makes us joyful.

The simple truth of it all makes it easy to say, yet so very hard to follow at times. I'm reminded of a little kid walking with his dad at the beach. The dad promises the kid infinite candy (or whatever you liked as a kid) when they get back home, but they have to walk to the car first. On the way, the little kid forgets the promise and goes around looking for shells and playing with the sand. Here and there the dad urges the kid on and yet still patiently waits for him to be done playing. Sounds like me.

Here we come to the idea of discipline. Pastor Brian gave a sermon on it a couple of weeks ago. It was alongside prayer. He said prayer should encompass all the emotions and love that we feel, but that having these feelings during prayer is not just a spontaneous and random occurrence. These things happen when day after day we come seeking God. When we find ourselves so sinful and so in need of His company and presence. Prayer should burst out of us, we pray not because we owe Him something but because we cannot live without Him. We need it, we crave it, we seek it day in and day out. But for some reason, we don't do it. We just sit twiddling our thumbs waiting for the next splash of joy and forgo the everlasting Joy set before us.

What is this joy that God gives us. We should at least know what we're looking forward to right? I'm reminded of a verse from Hebrews.

²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:2

Brian preached on this last week. He talked about how Jesus, for the feast and celebration that awaited Him, endured all the things of this world. Not that we may see it as an example of what we should do, but rather to focus our eyes back on God and know that through Him all these things in our lives are possible!

I've failed to find joy in my work because it hasn't been centered on God. I haven't found it elsewhere because like the little kid, my mind isn't on the greater thing. Work is definitely something I am still getting used to. It's something I appreciate less than I should. It's a privilege and a blessing from God, not the grind that depresses me. Our joy day in and day out come from Christ. It comes from spending time with Him, from praying and hearing His words, from our friends and family that supports us. Whether we are alone or in a crowd, God is always there with His grace, protection, and blessings.

Joy isn't made or found in life outside of God. Being joyful is a response to God's blessings in our lives, and His love in the past present and future. Even when things feel at a loss, having the right focus can give our hearts peace. Thinking back, and thinking presently, I know that I have absolutely nothing to complain about. The more I steer my mind to God in everything I do; in my burdens as well as my happiness I know that despite all my depravity He chooses to embrace me each and every time...and that is Joy.

Starfield

There's a new Starfield album out and I've been obsessed with one of the songs.




There's a live version where they're like "The enemy destroyed" and the whole crowd cheers...soooo cool

My mom

My life started in 1988 and my journey to Christ did not consistent of milestones that showed me He existed. As a person I have never been that much for taking concrete stances on issues and I am learning the occasional necessity of that. I wish there was some moment in time where I prayed that Christ would enter my life and I could now look to Him as Lord and Savior but really gradually it just came to being in my life that Christ was there. So my testimony isn't about the events that changed how I lived my life and how Christ justified me but rather me looking back to the past and seeing that despite how I felt at the time Jesus was in my life all along. Since it is Mothers day soon however I will simply talk about my mom and how she is an example of Christ's shining light in my life.

I was born in China in a nondescript city somewhere. My mom wanted me to be born in Beijing however so her solution was to move me a few hours after birth to Beijing so my birth certificate would say that. I'm more shocked she was able to just get up after giving birth and go to another city, my mom is a strong women.

"No fear can hold me down, nor darkness steal my joy" -Starfield

When I was one my dad passed away from a brain tumor and my grandparents raised me for a few years. My mom had gone to get her masters and PhD in Canada. She actually came back after her masters to raise me while still studying because she wanted me to stay with her. I remember that this was during the times of 19 cent McDonald's hamburgers and I would always get them. We were pretty poor at the time and as I recall my mom often would just get me happy meals and nothing else herself. I'm really floored just by the amazing love that she showed during this time, even when I was pretty bratty she would still go out of her way to make sure I was fed well and generally doing alright. I used to reflect on these times as how I had suffered but in reality it was my mom who had to bear alone the burden of these things.

Christ's love works in amazing ways. In order to support me while getting her degree, my mom took on a couple extra jobs as maids on the weekends. By some 'coincidence' our family became very close with them and they were actually the ones who taught me English. It was also by that chance that one of them was Christian and that is when my mom started going to church. I'm not really sure of how my mom progressed in her faith then because I don't understand Chinese that well. All I know is that we started going to church here and there, never consistently but my mom would still go. People ask the question 'If God is a loving God, why would He allow such sufferings in this world?' and my mom who went through this sufferings still found Him to be a loving God. That in itself is a great testimony to me that Christ is actively working in our lives. That in these things we are constantly stretched so that we can grow. That our testimony saves others, that our lives are there to show others what Christ has done and what He is doing.

I'm reminded of a scene from Bruce Almighty, where God is talking to Bruce at the end about miracles and one of the things he said was "A single mom who's working two jobs, and still finds time to take her son to soccer practice, that's a miracle" I played soccer as a kid....''

More to be done later

Baptism

A few members of my church got baptized on Sunday and it was an amazing experience. I'll write more about it when I have time but I wanted to share a song that we sang that really stood out to me.

Who, oh Lord, could save themselves,
Their own soul could heal?
Our shame was deeper than the sea
Your grace is deeper still

Who, oh Lord, could save themselves,
Their own soul could heal?
Our shame was deeper than the sea
Your grace is deeper still

You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
To You alone belongs the highest praise

You, oh Lord, have made a way
The great divide You heal
For when our hearts were far away
Your love went further still
Yes, your love goes further still

You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
To You alone belongs the highest praise
To You alone belongs the highest praise
To You alone belongs the highest praise

You alone

We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life

You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
To You alone belongs the highest praise
To You alone belongs the highest praise
To You alone belongs the highest praise

To You alone

-Matt Redman 'You alone can rescue'

The one line that really drove a stake into my heart was this : "You came down to find us, led us out of death "

It reminded me of this time when I was a kid. We had gone to an amusement park with the family and through the course of having fun I got lost in a dark alley and being a little kid, all I did really was cry and cry til my grandparents had found me.

I feel that in the same way we at some point in our lives were just like the lost kid crying in an alley. How hopeless and desolate it must have felt, how gracious we should have been to that person who rescued us from it all. If it isn't clear at this point: Jesus came to rescue us from the impending darkness and led us into His light and mercy.

Sometimes I still feel I end up in another dark alley. In another place where I feel lost and alone, where I can't seem to find a way out. But the gracious savior who found me the first time seems to come to my rescue and led me back on the right path again and again. He came to save us regardless of our crimes against him! Though we were fallen and walking towards death it was all washed away by His sacrifice.

And so this baptism service has a lot of meaning. It means that God is still in this world, that He is still adding workers daily to the harvest, and that His blessings grow each and every day. So to Megan Wong, Tim Yu, David Lai, and Bowie Hao, I'm glad you're all now part of God's great family :)

Goodness

Note to self: Have more goodness...whatever that means

Peace

What does it mean to have peace? I think recently my mind and heart have been so burdened with the things of life that I haven't been able to find the peace that God promised us. And right now I feel the need to just get everything off my chest and give these burdens to God and hope and pray that He'll take away what I can't keep holding in.

School: 4 midterms down, 4 to go. 4 projects left. 6 finals. I did poorly on half those midterms simply because I didn't get enough sleep and misread the questions. I'm killing myself over them because I studied so much and it just happened to be a few stupid mistakes that ruins the soup. I have 2 next week, one for Health Econ and the other for Auditing. I don't even want to think about the projects because I can't get my mind off the midterms and what I need to learn for them. Not to mention that it just means finals are up and coming and I don't know how on earth I am going to do well in any of them.

Job: I can't find one. I suck at looking and I suck at interacting with people who could hire me. Not to mention I'm not really getting any interviews so it's like well you can't even talk to them so you don't need to learn how to talk to them yet. I had a good talk with my mom today about it and I'm feeling less strained about it. Not to mention some people have been very helpful and encouraging in helping me look and stuff so I'm really thankful for that. I just want to keep praying that God provides and that I have the will and heart to just place these struggles with him.

Things of the heart: In this subject I have been devastated lately, and it's been such a struggle in a lot of aspects and just a burden that I want to cast away. First issue, I've been talking and hanging out with a girl, but with graduation and things coming up it is a very complicated situation that I haven't been treating well and that I have been thinking about more than healthy haha. I wish things would just resolve but like pastor Brian said in the sermon today sometimes our struggles grow us in ways we couldn't have imagined, or we're simply not seeing enough. I want to make this into something that I can use to glorify God and to set His will and presence in it all. There is nothing that can be forced that wouldn't fall down again without the approval and grace God gives us in this area and therefore there is no need to get ahead of ourselves before God has prepared the way.

Now this kind of ties to 'Things of the heart' but it's a more concrete and basic struggle. I am still not good at this forgiveness thing and it seems like not dealing with it just makes things add up greatly to a point I'm really angry and frustrated. So basically, someone caused a stirrup between me and another friend. And from that point on I have been really angry/annoyed at my friend. Things just kinda added up and I find that I still do not have the heart to let it go and just forgive and forget. Some things are fundamental differences and some are simply prideful foolishness. At the crux of the issue, I feel that I am the way who was being wronged both ways, but since neither of them can/will do anything I need to be the one to suck it all up and let everything go. I thought forgiving someone when they said sorry was hard, but when it isn't your fault? Oh my God it is the worst thing ever. Bringing my 'tremendous' struggle down to earth, it's something Jesus did. He forgave even though they were so wretched and evil. And even when they still sinned afterwards He still forgave and forgives them and provides us with his grace and love and mercy every day to sustain us. So I give this burden to Him, because no matter what way or method I can think of this is not something I can capable of doing and I know that He will save me from the hatefulness of holding grudges. I even want to make myself seem righteous in 'forgiving' but I know I'm not and it just seems to make things worse sometimes. No matter who's fault is it and what needs to be done, it's always better to suck it up and do the right thing yourself (with Christ).

So this post is sort of a prayer. That I give all of these struggles and more just to God. I am weak and burdened and tired. I haven't been resting well thinking about these things and I kind of miss having that chill-ness that I usually feel. So God, I know that I'm writing these things down, mostly because my mind is too much in a mess to think these thoughts coherently, but I just give these things to you Lord. Help me to view my struggles as a way to glorify you, and as thing you have given me that only shows me more of your love and kindness. That I may in all of this see your grace at work and your constant provision and care for me Lord. Help me to see that this isn't the end or start of anything but only a mere roadblock on the way to You and it is a roadblock that You will dash away. Give my heart the peace I seek Lord and my mind the rest that I have been missing without You. Amen

This we know we have a new life
We are Yours now and forever
In this life all that we seek
To be with You more than anything
-Hillsong