Friday, March 12, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Peace
What does it mean to have peace? I think recently my mind and heart have been so burdened with the things of life that I haven't been able to find the peace that God promised us. And right now I feel the need to just get everything off my chest and give these burdens to God and hope and pray that He'll take away what I can't keep holding in.
School: 4 midterms down, 4 to go. 4 projects left. 6 finals. I did poorly on half those midterms simply because I didn't get enough sleep and misread the questions. I'm killing myself over them because I studied so much and it just happened to be a few stupid mistakes that ruins the soup. I have 2 next week, one for Health Econ and the other for Auditing. I don't even want to think about the projects because I can't get my mind off the midterms and what I need to learn for them. Not to mention that it just means finals are up and coming and I don't know how on earth I am going to do well in any of them.
Job: I can't find one. I suck at looking and I suck at interacting with people who could hire me. Not to mention I'm not really getting any interviews so it's like well you can't even talk to them so you don't need to learn how to talk to them yet. I had a good talk with my mom today about it and I'm feeling less strained about it. Not to mention some people have been very helpful and encouraging in helping me look and stuff so I'm really thankful for that. I just want to keep praying that God provides and that I have the will and heart to just place these struggles with him.
Things of the heart: In this subject I have been devastated lately, and it's been such a struggle in a lot of aspects and just a burden that I want to cast away. First issue, I've been talking and hanging out with a girl, but with graduation and things coming up it is a very complicated situation that I haven't been treating well and that I have been thinking about more than healthy haha. I wish things would just resolve but like pastor Brian said in the sermon today sometimes our struggles grow us in ways we couldn't have imagined, or we're simply not seeing enough. I want to make this into something that I can use to glorify God and to set His will and presence in it all. There is nothing that can be forced that wouldn't fall down again without the approval and grace God gives us in this area and therefore there is no need to get ahead of ourselves before God has prepared the way.
Now this kind of ties to 'Things of the heart' but it's a more concrete and basic struggle. I am still not good at this forgiveness thing and it seems like not dealing with it just makes things add up greatly to a point I'm really angry and frustrated. So basically, someone caused a stirrup between me and another friend. And from that point on I have been really angry/annoyed at my friend. Things just kinda added up and I find that I still do not have the heart to let it go and just forgive and forget. Some things are fundamental differences and some are simply prideful foolishness. At the crux of the issue, I feel that I am the way who was being wronged both ways, but since neither of them can/will do anything I need to be the one to suck it all up and let everything go. I thought forgiving someone when they said sorry was hard, but when it isn't your fault? Oh my God it is the worst thing ever. Bringing my 'tremendous' struggle down to earth, it's something Jesus did. He forgave even though they were so wretched and evil. And even when they still sinned afterwards He still forgave and forgives them and provides us with his grace and love and mercy every day to sustain us. So I give this burden to Him, because no matter what way or method I can think of this is not something I can capable of doing and I know that He will save me from the hatefulness of holding grudges. I even want to make myself seem righteous in 'forgiving' but I know I'm not and it just seems to make things worse sometimes. No matter who's fault is it and what needs to be done, it's always better to suck it up and do the right thing yourself (with Christ).
So this post is sort of a prayer. That I give all of these struggles and more just to God. I am weak and burdened and tired. I haven't been resting well thinking about these things and I kind of miss having that chill-ness that I usually feel. So God, I know that I'm writing these things down, mostly because my mind is too much in a mess to think these thoughts coherently, but I just give these things to you Lord. Help me to view my struggles as a way to glorify you, and as thing you have given me that only shows me more of your love and kindness. That I may in all of this see your grace at work and your constant provision and care for me Lord. Help me to see that this isn't the end or start of anything but only a mere roadblock on the way to You and it is a roadblock that You will dash away. Give my heart the peace I seek Lord and my mind the rest that I have been missing without You. Amen
School: 4 midterms down, 4 to go. 4 projects left. 6 finals. I did poorly on half those midterms simply because I didn't get enough sleep and misread the questions. I'm killing myself over them because I studied so much and it just happened to be a few stupid mistakes that ruins the soup. I have 2 next week, one for Health Econ and the other for Auditing. I don't even want to think about the projects because I can't get my mind off the midterms and what I need to learn for them. Not to mention that it just means finals are up and coming and I don't know how on earth I am going to do well in any of them.
Job: I can't find one. I suck at looking and I suck at interacting with people who could hire me. Not to mention I'm not really getting any interviews so it's like well you can't even talk to them so you don't need to learn how to talk to them yet. I had a good talk with my mom today about it and I'm feeling less strained about it. Not to mention some people have been very helpful and encouraging in helping me look and stuff so I'm really thankful for that. I just want to keep praying that God provides and that I have the will and heart to just place these struggles with him.
Things of the heart: In this subject I have been devastated lately, and it's been such a struggle in a lot of aspects and just a burden that I want to cast away. First issue, I've been talking and hanging out with a girl, but with graduation and things coming up it is a very complicated situation that I haven't been treating well and that I have been thinking about more than healthy haha. I wish things would just resolve but like pastor Brian said in the sermon today sometimes our struggles grow us in ways we couldn't have imagined, or we're simply not seeing enough. I want to make this into something that I can use to glorify God and to set His will and presence in it all. There is nothing that can be forced that wouldn't fall down again without the approval and grace God gives us in this area and therefore there is no need to get ahead of ourselves before God has prepared the way.
Now this kind of ties to 'Things of the heart' but it's a more concrete and basic struggle. I am still not good at this forgiveness thing and it seems like not dealing with it just makes things add up greatly to a point I'm really angry and frustrated. So basically, someone caused a stirrup between me and another friend. And from that point on I have been really angry/annoyed at my friend. Things just kinda added up and I find that I still do not have the heart to let it go and just forgive and forget. Some things are fundamental differences and some are simply prideful foolishness. At the crux of the issue, I feel that I am the way who was being wronged both ways, but since neither of them can/will do anything I need to be the one to suck it all up and let everything go. I thought forgiving someone when they said sorry was hard, but when it isn't your fault? Oh my God it is the worst thing ever. Bringing my 'tremendous' struggle down to earth, it's something Jesus did. He forgave even though they were so wretched and evil. And even when they still sinned afterwards He still forgave and forgives them and provides us with his grace and love and mercy every day to sustain us. So I give this burden to Him, because no matter what way or method I can think of this is not something I can capable of doing and I know that He will save me from the hatefulness of holding grudges. I even want to make myself seem righteous in 'forgiving' but I know I'm not and it just seems to make things worse sometimes. No matter who's fault is it and what needs to be done, it's always better to suck it up and do the right thing yourself (with Christ).
So this post is sort of a prayer. That I give all of these struggles and more just to God. I am weak and burdened and tired. I haven't been resting well thinking about these things and I kind of miss having that chill-ness that I usually feel. So God, I know that I'm writing these things down, mostly because my mind is too much in a mess to think these thoughts coherently, but I just give these things to you Lord. Help me to view my struggles as a way to glorify you, and as thing you have given me that only shows me more of your love and kindness. That I may in all of this see your grace at work and your constant provision and care for me Lord. Help me to see that this isn't the end or start of anything but only a mere roadblock on the way to You and it is a roadblock that You will dash away. Give my heart the peace I seek Lord and my mind the rest that I have been missing without You. Amen
This we know we have a new life
We are Yours now and forever
In this life all that we seek
To be with You more than anything
-Hillsong
Monday, February 15, 2010
Selfishness
So today I was sitting at church and during worship for some reason my mind kept wondering to other things. Long story short, I wasn't really paying attention to the worship but just my own worries and concerns. It was ironic because the song was about focusing on God and giving all we are to worship him. I find it so easy to get distracted even during the message with the things that I need to take care of; finding a job, homework, dealing with relationships and it's like even though we aren't supposed to worry it doesn't exactly leave when we go to church or something. I find that the ability to not worry and to abandon all we are should not just happen every Sunday but rather should be something we strive for each and every day. I am so in want of all these things that I don't really stop and think for once that Jesus said
I know that I tend to focus on the temporary more so than not. Embodying what is commanded in Matthew is so difficult, and it is a test each day that I fail very often. Pastor Brian said that the more we grow to know Christ, the more we see of our complete depravity and wretchedness. That walking in Christ shouldn't lead us to think we're getting better, but rather that more and more just how great and loving and amazing God is and what fallen people we are. But this grace doesn't mean we should just accept that He is forgiving and keep focusing on the temporary, on the relative concerns of each day. Rather we should always remember that Christ comes first and let that thought envelop and change our every day. That we throw away embarrassment and worry and fear of ridicule and just bring Him glory in the ways we're called to. I'm pretty sure I can't do what I just said we should. If we were so capable of realizing our own faults and changing them there would be no need for Jesus and His sacrifice. But it shouldn't be something we leave aside and wait til later either. In the end as we've seen, Jesus will call us to forsake all the temporary anyways so it isn't something really avoidable in any case.
I'll end with this random verse of the day: “This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” -1 John 4:10 The thing that stood out to me was that our definition of love is flawed because we are faulty beings. I feel a lot of the things that we distinguish as either 'good' or 'bad' change definitions when it comes from God's perspective. That we have corrupted these good and bad things and made them into something only applicable to us. That is why this verse is important, because love isn't quantified as something that comes from us, from sinful creatures but rather from God. Therefore we know that this love is perfect and that also this is the love that can fill us and overflow if only we let it.
'But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.' -Matthew 6:33This is very counter-intuitive to me; in order to receive the things that we are concerned/thinking about we must just think about God and stop worrying about the rest. So in a secular way, only when we don't care about something can we have it. Spiritually, we realize that we never needed it in the first place, that God is greater than any of the other hopes we longed for. I was reading in 'The Great Divorce' today about this woman who was afraid of going to heaven because she was a ghost and she thought that the heavenly people seeing through her was too embarrassing. And because of that she would rather have just gone back to hell/purgatory than stay in heaven and face the embarrassment associated with that. And of course from our perspective it just looks silly until we get to the heart of what C.S. Lewis was trying to describe in this scene; the next lines in the story were 'Friend' said the Spirit. 'Could you, only for a moment, fix your mind on something not yourself?' How true is that for all of us? That we are so occupied with our presence and joy in life we forget to see the bigger picture sometimes. If the woman had just thought about something else, had thought about the joy and eternal happiness she could have received instead of her temporary embarrassment she would have been fine. But seeing from a third person perspective and being that person is always different.
I know that I tend to focus on the temporary more so than not. Embodying what is commanded in Matthew is so difficult, and it is a test each day that I fail very often. Pastor Brian said that the more we grow to know Christ, the more we see of our complete depravity and wretchedness. That walking in Christ shouldn't lead us to think we're getting better, but rather that more and more just how great and loving and amazing God is and what fallen people we are. But this grace doesn't mean we should just accept that He is forgiving and keep focusing on the temporary, on the relative concerns of each day. Rather we should always remember that Christ comes first and let that thought envelop and change our every day. That we throw away embarrassment and worry and fear of ridicule and just bring Him glory in the ways we're called to. I'm pretty sure I can't do what I just said we should. If we were so capable of realizing our own faults and changing them there would be no need for Jesus and His sacrifice. But it shouldn't be something we leave aside and wait til later either. In the end as we've seen, Jesus will call us to forsake all the temporary anyways so it isn't something really avoidable in any case.
I'll end with this random verse of the day: “This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” -1 John 4:10 The thing that stood out to me was that our definition of love is flawed because we are faulty beings. I feel a lot of the things that we distinguish as either 'good' or 'bad' change definitions when it comes from God's perspective. That we have corrupted these good and bad things and made them into something only applicable to us. That is why this verse is important, because love isn't quantified as something that comes from us, from sinful creatures but rather from God. Therefore we know that this love is perfect and that also this is the love that can fill us and overflow if only we let it.
My whole life is Yours
I give it all
Surrendered to Your Name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way
Have Your way
-Hillsong
Friday, February 12, 2010
Stagnation
So I haven't really blogged in awhile. A lot has been going on recently after I got back from Korea. I got robbed and lost all my pictures...that was no fun. And I guess also with 22 units school seems a little hectic here and there and I feel the slow pressure of midterms and performance requirements creeping up and weighing on my shoulders. But to be quite honest, I simply wanted to avoid the need to have to think, to have to come to terms with the things I haven't been doing, to not think about and pass over the faith that I have been neglecting. But with all things that are inevitable, I felt it was a better idea to simply admit my faults and find where I last left off my walk.
It all started with this little problem. This thing that I turned in my head into something bad, into something I would remember. And I suppose that once the thoughts of jealous, betrayal, and anger being sprouting up, it really becomes a foothold for Satan to grab on and to build up on. I think that when Jesus told us to forgive, it is not merely because He forgave but also because it is quite simply in our best interest to. Maybe that one sin wasn't much, but as it just kind of remained with me other things began to sprout up and before I knew it things just got kind of outta control.
I don't think it was a decided act on my part, but once I was thinking about all these things my desire to pray and spend time with God just sort of edged away. God was right as always, we cannot serve two masters. If we begin to obey one, our devotion to the other will slowly but surely fade away. Lucky for me, God is gracious in His mercy and forgiveness and is always giving us chances to turn back and realize that the true master is in the opposite direction. I know that recently I've been stagnant, and as I drift the sins just pile on and on. I think what finally made me want to do something about this was a passage from C.S. Lewis' 'The Great Divorce'
Though I feel numb I want to pray. I want to seek Him though I can't seem to muster the emotion for that feeling. I need God because I realized a long time ago that this world without Him would be empty and desolate and hopeless. That I desire in my heart something that this world can't satisfy, though sometimes I seem to turn away from this thought. 'Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?' -Mere Christianity
And when it comes down, there is the impending realization that is God who is doing all this. That though I am far from Him, He is still calling to me to come and follow him. That I find forgiveness with him, and the heart to forgive others in that love. I hope that my prayer and my quiet times are not simply to find answers to my struggles, but rather to spend time loving and worshiping God; otherwise it would seem like I'm just using Him for my ends. It always comes as a shock and awe kind of thing to me when someone finds a great way to describe God's love for us, because I am always at a loss for words when it comes to it. I was reading A Grief Observed, where C.S. Lewis is talking through the loss of his wife Joy and wishes to some degree that he could endure that pain for her. What really stood out was that, if given the option to endure the pain for someone, would we actually do it? Do we really have that selflessness that allows us to sacrifice our well being for someone else, for even a loved one. But then we see the character of Jesus, who was given that choice and took it. Who, though we were dirty and wretched, STILL rescued us from death by taking our sufferings from us. Oh how He loves us! Lewis said that sometimes our faith and religion needs to be tested to show us how strong is it, and how much of it is solid when there is actually something at stake. Part of growing in our faith is to realize that Jesus is so much greater than anything we can imagine, and the things He has done are quite simply indescribable, unimaginable, and therefore all the more beautiful and majestic. I know that I will never find the words to describe Him, but that since He's the one doing the finding I don't have to worry about my own capacity for those things. And though I am numb, He will deliver me from the darkness.
It all started with this little problem. This thing that I turned in my head into something bad, into something I would remember. And I suppose that once the thoughts of jealous, betrayal, and anger being sprouting up, it really becomes a foothold for Satan to grab on and to build up on. I think that when Jesus told us to forgive, it is not merely because He forgave but also because it is quite simply in our best interest to. Maybe that one sin wasn't much, but as it just kind of remained with me other things began to sprout up and before I knew it things just got kind of outta control.
I don't think it was a decided act on my part, but once I was thinking about all these things my desire to pray and spend time with God just sort of edged away. God was right as always, we cannot serve two masters. If we begin to obey one, our devotion to the other will slowly but surely fade away. Lucky for me, God is gracious in His mercy and forgiveness and is always giving us chances to turn back and realize that the true master is in the opposite direction. I know that recently I've been stagnant, and as I drift the sins just pile on and on. I think what finally made me want to do something about this was a passage from C.S. Lewis' 'The Great Divorce'
Having allowed oneself to drift, unresisting, unpraying, accepting every half-conscious solicitation from our desires, we reached a point where we no longer believed the Faith.I still don't feel the call, the pressing need to spend time with God..but I feel that is more because people in sin simply feel the emptiness that comes with not being near God and this emptiness also destroys our desire to be with Him.
Though I feel numb I want to pray. I want to seek Him though I can't seem to muster the emotion for that feeling. I need God because I realized a long time ago that this world without Him would be empty and desolate and hopeless. That I desire in my heart something that this world can't satisfy, though sometimes I seem to turn away from this thought. 'Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?' -Mere Christianity
And when it comes down, there is the impending realization that is God who is doing all this. That though I am far from Him, He is still calling to me to come and follow him. That I find forgiveness with him, and the heart to forgive others in that love. I hope that my prayer and my quiet times are not simply to find answers to my struggles, but rather to spend time loving and worshiping God; otherwise it would seem like I'm just using Him for my ends. It always comes as a shock and awe kind of thing to me when someone finds a great way to describe God's love for us, because I am always at a loss for words when it comes to it. I was reading A Grief Observed, where C.S. Lewis is talking through the loss of his wife Joy and wishes to some degree that he could endure that pain for her. What really stood out was that, if given the option to endure the pain for someone, would we actually do it? Do we really have that selflessness that allows us to sacrifice our well being for someone else, for even a loved one. But then we see the character of Jesus, who was given that choice and took it. Who, though we were dirty and wretched, STILL rescued us from death by taking our sufferings from us. Oh how He loves us! Lewis said that sometimes our faith and religion needs to be tested to show us how strong is it, and how much of it is solid when there is actually something at stake. Part of growing in our faith is to realize that Jesus is so much greater than anything we can imagine, and the things He has done are quite simply indescribable, unimaginable, and therefore all the more beautiful and majestic. I know that I will never find the words to describe Him, but that since He's the one doing the finding I don't have to worry about my own capacity for those things. And though I am numb, He will deliver me from the darkness.
I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness -John 12:46
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Home
So I've been back in San Diego for awhile. It's nice and rainy and cold, all the things I can expect in Berkeley but everywhere just takes longer to get to. I think whenever I am back in San Diego, I am less happy here, for some obvious reasons and for some that are not so clear cut.
Obvious reasons...Though I love my sister very much, it is impossible to hang out with her as much as she demands. And so there always comes that time when I have to say I can't or that I am going somewhere else which makes my mom annoyed at me and unreasonable for some odd reason. Also she likes to wake me up at 10 which I think in my sleep schedule is where I have peak enjoyance of my sleeping time so it's tiring to do it everyday. And I guess on another note I hate having to drive to anywhere to ever get anything done, I don't think I'm at the point in my life where I would enjoy living in the suburbs. It's dry, my skin is peeling and cracking everywhere and I have chapped lips, ugh. Also, you can't drink the tap water here because someone decided to mix sewage or whatnot with it and it just tastes terrible. So yea, practical reasons why San Diego makes me grumpy. And also, although I know my mom loves me; she is an amazingly naggy person and won't stop mentioning every tiny detail. 'You can't wear those pants to an interview, you can't wear jeans to an interview' Like my common sense doesn't exist or something. But anyways...
I believe the heart of the issue behind my temporary stupor while here rests on a few things that I feel affect me subconsciously. I can't really tell if these things are the cause of the fact that I'm more on edge, and just less patient toward people because I'm not really thinking about these things actively. But anyways, the first thing is...
My relationship with my parents. I always felt and maybe still feel that in some ways my parents very stubborn and pointed views about certain issues deprived me of the experiences that I wanted to have in middle and high school. I'm not trying to blame them for the things that happened, but simply recognizing that I probably would have done things differently if I were a parent. One of the things was video games, my mom was completely against it because she felt they were utterly useless, and that I should not focus on anything else other than school. It got to a point where I got yelled at for playing solitaire, which still bewilders me. Now if I had schoolwork or some great hobby I really enjoyed than I wouldn't have minded, but when you're part of the nerd crowd in school that plays games, then you really don't have much opportunities to hang out with people you want to be your friend. It was either them or the skaters, and they did drugs and were generally bad people. Another thing was that my parents hated fun, so whenever I wanted to go out I had to get rides from friends, and it really does get annoying even for me when I have to keep asking not to mention how my friends must have felt. I do recognize that now however some of the things that they did make sense to me. I should have been pushed that hard to do the things I needed to, to get into a good school, and to develop a good character. Nowadays I think things have changed, they trust me more, they're more open to the things I do, and they care more about my character than my grades. It's different and sometimes I don't know what to do about that. I'm used to just being sent to my room and studying or something, and now it's like I can talk to them and stuff. But I don't, because I don't know how, conversation doesn't come easy , but maybe when I grown older and understand more things.
It's interesting thinking about this, because I realize that some of the things God does and calls us to do, we don't really understand. And I don't believe it's just because God is testing us or something, though that could be it. It could also be that we aren't mature enough to realize that the things God calls us to are for our good, the things He does are to grow and heal and lead us to Him. And I think that as we grow older, we'll maybe see why God challenged us before in the ways He did, why we needed that push, why we needed to be told no. Parents screw up, and even if they mean the best they still can't do the right thing all the time. God doesn't screw up, everything He presses on us, everything that we try to fight and argue against is for our good. So sometimes we just have to go with the flow, to simply obey God with the assurance that it will be for our good in the end. That as we grow more mature and older in our walk we will be able to see the reasons that elude us at this moment.
The second reason is that San Diego reminds me of my ex-girlfriend a lot. Being together for 1 1/2 years meant that most of the places I go to, I can think of something I had done with her there. I don't believe I'm feeling nostalgic, it's more the idea that it brings up those old feelings of regret and stupidity once again. There's a verse from a song that goes: "All I once held dear, I now count as loss." The related verse is from Philippians 3:7
I think this verse was forced on me. I knew when we broke up, that I had screwed up a lot and back tracked away from God. This is the first time I'm writing about it since then, having struggled and lived at Cal for all this time. I think I can understand some finer points that were hidden to me before. The relationship itself, I don't really want to talk about that. There was a lot of things I simply wasn't old enough to handle, a lot of obstacles, and a lot of arguments. I don't say bad things when I argue because I learned back then, how difficult it is to mend those wounds once they're open. And yet during all that time I professed to be Christian, I qted occasionally, I went to church and learned and thought I loved God and knew that He loved me. I still know that, but I recognize that the god I loved is not the same as the God who loved me. And so at that point in my life, I was clinging on to something that was of this world, that tempted me away, and that I held on to for dear life with all of me.
And the real God, who loved me, tore me away from all that. What I thought I needed, what I wanted and desired was simply taken away...and that to me was devastating. I was angry, I was sad, and desperate and confused. And so I was in freshmen year of Cal. I know God gave me a lot grace there, like the fact that I didn't have to be in San Diego, and that even though later I left, Gracepoint gave me the brotherhood and fellowship I needed at that time. And the God who loved me still leads me forth in my path, though I still struggle to count all as loss that I once/still hold dear. I don't think this will end now, I know that letting go will always be something I need help with, something that God is teaching me and working through me, to give all up and follow Him, to treasure Him above everything else that this world can offer me.
Sometimes I have these moments of super wisdom where I suddenly realize that God is all and that everything else just doesn't matter. And then they fade away and I get tempted by all the other stuff of the world. I know I have changed in some things, and it's a kind of interesting change I've observed. I still struggle with the same things I did in high school; I still am tempted and do get jealous, angry, annoyed, impatient, and prideful. These things come up in my life still and so often that I sometimes wonder if I am still the same person with these feelings. But then I realized that how I deal with it is vastly different now, and though I can't really explain it well I know I feel more at peace with my current decisions. Such as being able to just let some things go and not simply act out what I am feeling. I guess to some extent it doesn't get easier dealing with my vices, but the more I grow in God and put my faith in Him I know that I will have the capacity and the ability to do this; to have patience though I want to be angry, to accept that all is His to give and take despite my jealousy, to love instead when I feel angry, and to recognize that God is the one who does all of this in me though I am prideful.
It's so much easier to hold on and cling to things than to let go. I think because letting go makes it so less things are known, and I'm afraid of the dark so obviously I'd be afraid of the unknown. But there's an analogy I came up with once that works against me. I'll tell the story. I was coming back from Safeway and waiting for the bus, and there was this homeless lady waiting too that wouldn't stop asking me when the bus was coming, and if I could see it or not. Finally I got annoyed and told her that not matter how often she asks me, the bus isn't going to come any faster, and that it'll be here when it does. I don't think that would be such a bad mindset to have; we can't make the future come any quicker, we can only be patient and wait for it and trust that it is God's future for us. It's on schedule, and it's certainly not late unlike the bus. It'll come when it comes and us rushing and asking and seeking after it won't change that.
Sometimes I still think about it, about all the stupid things I've done, and wonder if it'll ever leave me. Ah, I just had an inspirational thought. The more we live, it should be that we see more and more clearly just how depraved creatures we really are. My vices of the past still remain with me, and I am still sinful in all those ways in my thoughts. It's like that David Crowder song "But the harder I try, the more clearly that I see the depth of our fall." I am in as much need of God now as I was then and as I will be forever. I don't know if I will forget all the stuff I regret and all the mistakes I made, but I do hope that I will always believe they are forgiven, that God has seen to take me, a prodigal son, back to Him.
And this makes all the difference, this changes everything, making our whole existence have meaning so we sing....
And while I was proofreading this a cool verse came up.
Do not dwell on the past...Though I do tell other people to do this I have a tendency sometimes to do it anyways. Haha sorry to those who this applies to. So I guess this is kind of God's answer and guide to my current struggle, to really let everything go and forget the former things. To perceive and observe the things God is doing in the present; all the glorious and wonderful and miraculous things. With so many things to observe, we won't even have time to think about the former things anymore!
All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want
-Brooke Fraser
As a second addendum, I am very thankful for the parents that I did have. Even though I was just a step-kid, my step-dad really does love me and cares about what kind of person I become. I don't really mind most of the things that happened since it's all in the past, I just feel some of the things that did happen are what contributed to our strange family dynamics.
Obvious reasons...Though I love my sister very much, it is impossible to hang out with her as much as she demands. And so there always comes that time when I have to say I can't or that I am going somewhere else which makes my mom annoyed at me and unreasonable for some odd reason. Also she likes to wake me up at 10 which I think in my sleep schedule is where I have peak enjoyance of my sleeping time so it's tiring to do it everyday. And I guess on another note I hate having to drive to anywhere to ever get anything done, I don't think I'm at the point in my life where I would enjoy living in the suburbs. It's dry, my skin is peeling and cracking everywhere and I have chapped lips, ugh. Also, you can't drink the tap water here because someone decided to mix sewage or whatnot with it and it just tastes terrible. So yea, practical reasons why San Diego makes me grumpy. And also, although I know my mom loves me; she is an amazingly naggy person and won't stop mentioning every tiny detail. 'You can't wear those pants to an interview, you can't wear jeans to an interview' Like my common sense doesn't exist or something. But anyways...
I believe the heart of the issue behind my temporary stupor while here rests on a few things that I feel affect me subconsciously. I can't really tell if these things are the cause of the fact that I'm more on edge, and just less patient toward people because I'm not really thinking about these things actively. But anyways, the first thing is...
My relationship with my parents. I always felt and maybe still feel that in some ways my parents very stubborn and pointed views about certain issues deprived me of the experiences that I wanted to have in middle and high school. I'm not trying to blame them for the things that happened, but simply recognizing that I probably would have done things differently if I were a parent. One of the things was video games, my mom was completely against it because she felt they were utterly useless, and that I should not focus on anything else other than school. It got to a point where I got yelled at for playing solitaire, which still bewilders me. Now if I had schoolwork or some great hobby I really enjoyed than I wouldn't have minded, but when you're part of the nerd crowd in school that plays games, then you really don't have much opportunities to hang out with people you want to be your friend. It was either them or the skaters, and they did drugs and were generally bad people. Another thing was that my parents hated fun, so whenever I wanted to go out I had to get rides from friends, and it really does get annoying even for me when I have to keep asking not to mention how my friends must have felt. I do recognize that now however some of the things that they did make sense to me. I should have been pushed that hard to do the things I needed to, to get into a good school, and to develop a good character. Nowadays I think things have changed, they trust me more, they're more open to the things I do, and they care more about my character than my grades. It's different and sometimes I don't know what to do about that. I'm used to just being sent to my room and studying or something, and now it's like I can talk to them and stuff. But I don't, because I don't know how, conversation doesn't come easy , but maybe when I grown older and understand more things.
It's interesting thinking about this, because I realize that some of the things God does and calls us to do, we don't really understand. And I don't believe it's just because God is testing us or something, though that could be it. It could also be that we aren't mature enough to realize that the things God calls us to are for our good, the things He does are to grow and heal and lead us to Him. And I think that as we grow older, we'll maybe see why God challenged us before in the ways He did, why we needed that push, why we needed to be told no. Parents screw up, and even if they mean the best they still can't do the right thing all the time. God doesn't screw up, everything He presses on us, everything that we try to fight and argue against is for our good. So sometimes we just have to go with the flow, to simply obey God with the assurance that it will be for our good in the end. That as we grow more mature and older in our walk we will be able to see the reasons that elude us at this moment.
The second reason is that San Diego reminds me of my ex-girlfriend a lot. Being together for 1 1/2 years meant that most of the places I go to, I can think of something I had done with her there. I don't believe I'm feeling nostalgic, it's more the idea that it brings up those old feelings of regret and stupidity once again. There's a verse from a song that goes: "All I once held dear, I now count as loss." The related verse is from Philippians 3:7
" 7But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ."
I think this verse was forced on me. I knew when we broke up, that I had screwed up a lot and back tracked away from God. This is the first time I'm writing about it since then, having struggled and lived at Cal for all this time. I think I can understand some finer points that were hidden to me before. The relationship itself, I don't really want to talk about that. There was a lot of things I simply wasn't old enough to handle, a lot of obstacles, and a lot of arguments. I don't say bad things when I argue because I learned back then, how difficult it is to mend those wounds once they're open. And yet during all that time I professed to be Christian, I qted occasionally, I went to church and learned and thought I loved God and knew that He loved me. I still know that, but I recognize that the god I loved is not the same as the God who loved me. And so at that point in my life, I was clinging on to something that was of this world, that tempted me away, and that I held on to for dear life with all of me.
And the real God, who loved me, tore me away from all that. What I thought I needed, what I wanted and desired was simply taken away...and that to me was devastating. I was angry, I was sad, and desperate and confused. And so I was in freshmen year of Cal. I know God gave me a lot grace there, like the fact that I didn't have to be in San Diego, and that even though later I left, Gracepoint gave me the brotherhood and fellowship I needed at that time. And the God who loved me still leads me forth in my path, though I still struggle to count all as loss that I once/still hold dear. I don't think this will end now, I know that letting go will always be something I need help with, something that God is teaching me and working through me, to give all up and follow Him, to treasure Him above everything else that this world can offer me.
Sometimes I have these moments of super wisdom where I suddenly realize that God is all and that everything else just doesn't matter. And then they fade away and I get tempted by all the other stuff of the world. I know I have changed in some things, and it's a kind of interesting change I've observed. I still struggle with the same things I did in high school; I still am tempted and do get jealous, angry, annoyed, impatient, and prideful. These things come up in my life still and so often that I sometimes wonder if I am still the same person with these feelings. But then I realized that how I deal with it is vastly different now, and though I can't really explain it well I know I feel more at peace with my current decisions. Such as being able to just let some things go and not simply act out what I am feeling. I guess to some extent it doesn't get easier dealing with my vices, but the more I grow in God and put my faith in Him I know that I will have the capacity and the ability to do this; to have patience though I want to be angry, to accept that all is His to give and take despite my jealousy, to love instead when I feel angry, and to recognize that God is the one who does all of this in me though I am prideful.
It's so much easier to hold on and cling to things than to let go. I think because letting go makes it so less things are known, and I'm afraid of the dark so obviously I'd be afraid of the unknown. But there's an analogy I came up with once that works against me. I'll tell the story. I was coming back from Safeway and waiting for the bus, and there was this homeless lady waiting too that wouldn't stop asking me when the bus was coming, and if I could see it or not. Finally I got annoyed and told her that not matter how often she asks me, the bus isn't going to come any faster, and that it'll be here when it does. I don't think that would be such a bad mindset to have; we can't make the future come any quicker, we can only be patient and wait for it and trust that it is God's future for us. It's on schedule, and it's certainly not late unlike the bus. It'll come when it comes and us rushing and asking and seeking after it won't change that.
Sometimes I still think about it, about all the stupid things I've done, and wonder if it'll ever leave me. Ah, I just had an inspirational thought. The more we live, it should be that we see more and more clearly just how depraved creatures we really are. My vices of the past still remain with me, and I am still sinful in all those ways in my thoughts. It's like that David Crowder song "But the harder I try, the more clearly that I see the depth of our fall." I am in as much need of God now as I was then and as I will be forever. I don't know if I will forget all the stuff I regret and all the mistakes I made, but I do hope that I will always believe they are forgiven, that God has seen to take me, a prodigal son, back to Him.
We are new, we are mended, we are saved, we are taken care of, and the old things have gone.2 Corinthians 5:17 (New International Version)
17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
And this makes all the difference, this changes everything, making our whole existence have meaning so we sing....
And while I was proofreading this a cool verse came up.
“This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”- Isaiah 43:16, 18-19
Do not dwell on the past...Though I do tell other people to do this I have a tendency sometimes to do it anyways. Haha sorry to those who this applies to. So I guess this is kind of God's answer and guide to my current struggle, to really let everything go and forget the former things. To perceive and observe the things God is doing in the present; all the glorious and wonderful and miraculous things. With so many things to observe, we won't even have time to think about the former things anymore!
All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want
-Brooke Fraser
As a second addendum, I am very thankful for the parents that I did have. Even though I was just a step-kid, my step-dad really does love me and cares about what kind of person I become. I don't really mind most of the things that happened since it's all in the past, I just feel some of the things that did happen are what contributed to our strange family dynamics.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Bad Habits
So I have a good memory for random information, and also for bad things that happen to me. In fact, I still remember in high school when my dad didn't let me go see Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King in theaters. When I mention it to him, he gets angry that I still remember that.
I guess when somebody wrongs me in some way, its easy for me to say I forgive them, but I don't believe I would forget about those things readily. I guess for the most part, I thought it was alright to behave this way, that forgetting was different from forgiving. Then I read this article:
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002188.cfm
The topic is a little different, but I feel I have the same general struggle as the writer. And he mentioned an interesting idea, that when we sin against someone, in reality it is simply that person's sin against God. It's prideful of me to think that someone's sin against me is worse than the sin towards God. Even though I might feel wronged, the sin itself is much worse towards God than anything someone could do to me. And it's not like I haven't committed the same sins, it's hypocritical of me to forget my own sins while judging someone else.
He also writes in part II about how he replays images in his head, and that's what hurts him the most. I was like, yea, I do that too. So I mean, this dude is strikingly similar to me, except he's married and writes a lot better.
I think for a while I was okay with not forgetting, with just forgiving and working through the other parts as time passed. But now I think I need to do both, in fact it was a pretty obvious command.
I like when things connect together. I've been doing memory verses and I memorized Hebrews 12:1-2 recently:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with great perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us FOCUS OUR EYES ON JESUS CHRIST, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.'
So I haven't memorized it perfectly, but you get the idea. That first part of verse II has really stuck with me this week, focusing on Jesus in all I do. Jesus who forgave our sins, and who also forgot our transgressions against him. (Isaiah 43:25)
It's interesting that this verse came from Isaiah, because I realized today that Isaiah is the book I should qt with now.
Anyways, I should do what Jesus does. I'm not really forgiving if I can't forget. The bitterness won't go away unless I let it go. I'm sorry for thinking I could do one without the other, for not sincerely forgiving.
So no more second guessing, no more distrust. I will forgive and forget. I will trust fully and not doubt. And...I won't fail to do this, because Christ did it, and so through His power I am able.
I guess when somebody wrongs me in some way, its easy for me to say I forgive them, but I don't believe I would forget about those things readily. I guess for the most part, I thought it was alright to behave this way, that forgetting was different from forgiving. Then I read this article:
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002188.cfm
The topic is a little different, but I feel I have the same general struggle as the writer. And he mentioned an interesting idea, that when we sin against someone, in reality it is simply that person's sin against God. It's prideful of me to think that someone's sin against me is worse than the sin towards God. Even though I might feel wronged, the sin itself is much worse towards God than anything someone could do to me. And it's not like I haven't committed the same sins, it's hypocritical of me to forget my own sins while judging someone else.
He also writes in part II about how he replays images in his head, and that's what hurts him the most. I was like, yea, I do that too. So I mean, this dude is strikingly similar to me, except he's married and writes a lot better.
I think for a while I was okay with not forgetting, with just forgiving and working through the other parts as time passed. But now I think I need to do both, in fact it was a pretty obvious command.
I like when things connect together. I've been doing memory verses and I memorized Hebrews 12:1-2 recently:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with great perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us FOCUS OUR EYES ON JESUS CHRIST, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.'
So I haven't memorized it perfectly, but you get the idea. That first part of verse II has really stuck with me this week, focusing on Jesus in all I do. Jesus who forgave our sins, and who also forgot our transgressions against him. (Isaiah 43:25)
It's interesting that this verse came from Isaiah, because I realized today that Isaiah is the book I should qt with now.
Anyways, I should do what Jesus does. I'm not really forgiving if I can't forget. The bitterness won't go away unless I let it go. I'm sorry for thinking I could do one without the other, for not sincerely forgiving.
So no more second guessing, no more distrust. I will forgive and forget. I will trust fully and not doubt. And...I won't fail to do this, because Christ did it, and so through His power I am able.
"Come now, let us reason together,"
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.
-Isaiah 1:18
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Oh how He loves us.
Sometimes when things go too right, I tend to forget about God. I still pray and worship, but I fail to listen to God for most of the time. When He speaks I would rather think about all the things I can do in a day and the temporarily happiness that I can find without needing His guidance. Yet when some things break down its when I finally realize that I need God so much more than I thought, when He is all I have and all that I should depend on is when I see His love for us.
Why is it that when things go well we always lose sight of the great Lord. Maybe that's why there is so much pain and suffering in the world, because when there is extended happiness all we learn to depend and lean on for support and joy is our friends, our families, our material possessions, our worldy lives. Yet when we have everything taken away, when God is the only one that remains, that we finally lean on him and learn about Him and know that He is just as good in the past when there was joy as now when there is suffering. God is constant through all, He is the same yesterday, today, and forevermore. It makes logical sense then to contemplate that the sufferings we endure are therefore for our own good, because it brings us closer to Him.
I'm beginning to think that is the trick to living a content and satisfying life, to be able to enjoy God when we are doing well in life, and also to not have to change when things go wrong, because our hope has been on Him this entire time. What does it mean to lean on God? I don't even know anymore. What does it mean to have Him in our lives? How do we gain this strength to survive, to keep going and to see the grace that He provides us everyday when we lose our crutch. There is that one parable that I see people use often; 'Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him forever.' God could just give us a satisfying good life, but how can we ever learn about Him, about the person behind all these fish, if everyday we just wake up to fish on our tables. God is teaching us how to fish, how to live in Him. When we don't go fishing everyday, we end up hungry. Sadly, unlike hunger, we don't realize our depravity and our dire need for Christ until it is quite simply too late. We need to make our lives like that, where God is more important than food, where one day without Him will leave us starving and needing to get back to Him as soon as possible.
Recently, this idea of bearing with one another crept up in my life. That I'm supposed to seek after others with love and patience, bearing with their faults and forgiving them. There's a lot of people in my life that I don't really bear with. I would rather hang out with my close friends, and the others I'm willing just to see on a necessity basis; it's not really the right thing to do. Where on earth do I find this love when I have none of own, where can I turn now. Sometimes I'm scared to pray for certain things, because I think the way God answers prayers is to force us into situations that require those skills we prayed for. I pray for patience and God puts in my life those who I would quickly lose patience with. I pray for trust in God and then suddenly there are moments where I have no other options but to put my hopes and my faith in Him. I end up praying for them anyways, and enduring the consequences. This is because I figure those skills, though I don't want to go through learning to have them, will eventually prove much more useful in my life. If God knows my heart and my needs, why should I not acknowledge them myself. And when it comes to a point where I don't believe I can handle it anymore, when I find my strength lacking and draining away, I find that miraculously the energy I need fills my heart and I keep going. How God loves us so. So my prayer is for forgiveness, to love those I would rather not love. To throw away all my earthly assumptions and pride and desires, and simply turn to Him knowing that His will is sovereign and that all is for our good in the end, no matter how painful and mysterious it might seem at the present.
If His grace is like an ocean, we're all sinking.
Why is it that when things go well we always lose sight of the great Lord. Maybe that's why there is so much pain and suffering in the world, because when there is extended happiness all we learn to depend and lean on for support and joy is our friends, our families, our material possessions, our worldy lives. Yet when we have everything taken away, when God is the only one that remains, that we finally lean on him and learn about Him and know that He is just as good in the past when there was joy as now when there is suffering. God is constant through all, He is the same yesterday, today, and forevermore. It makes logical sense then to contemplate that the sufferings we endure are therefore for our own good, because it brings us closer to Him.
I'm beginning to think that is the trick to living a content and satisfying life, to be able to enjoy God when we are doing well in life, and also to not have to change when things go wrong, because our hope has been on Him this entire time. What does it mean to lean on God? I don't even know anymore. What does it mean to have Him in our lives? How do we gain this strength to survive, to keep going and to see the grace that He provides us everyday when we lose our crutch. There is that one parable that I see people use often; 'Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him forever.' God could just give us a satisfying good life, but how can we ever learn about Him, about the person behind all these fish, if everyday we just wake up to fish on our tables. God is teaching us how to fish, how to live in Him. When we don't go fishing everyday, we end up hungry. Sadly, unlike hunger, we don't realize our depravity and our dire need for Christ until it is quite simply too late. We need to make our lives like that, where God is more important than food, where one day without Him will leave us starving and needing to get back to Him as soon as possible.
Recently, this idea of bearing with one another crept up in my life. That I'm supposed to seek after others with love and patience, bearing with their faults and forgiving them. There's a lot of people in my life that I don't really bear with. I would rather hang out with my close friends, and the others I'm willing just to see on a necessity basis; it's not really the right thing to do. Where on earth do I find this love when I have none of own, where can I turn now. Sometimes I'm scared to pray for certain things, because I think the way God answers prayers is to force us into situations that require those skills we prayed for. I pray for patience and God puts in my life those who I would quickly lose patience with. I pray for trust in God and then suddenly there are moments where I have no other options but to put my hopes and my faith in Him. I end up praying for them anyways, and enduring the consequences. This is because I figure those skills, though I don't want to go through learning to have them, will eventually prove much more useful in my life. If God knows my heart and my needs, why should I not acknowledge them myself. And when it comes to a point where I don't believe I can handle it anymore, when I find my strength lacking and draining away, I find that miraculously the energy I need fills my heart and I keep going. How God loves us so. So my prayer is for forgiveness, to love those I would rather not love. To throw away all my earthly assumptions and pride and desires, and simply turn to Him knowing that His will is sovereign and that all is for our good in the end, no matter how painful and mysterious it might seem at the present.
If His grace is like an ocean, we're all sinking.
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