Selfishness

So today I was sitting at church and during worship for some reason my mind kept wondering to other things. Long story short, I wasn't really paying attention to the worship but just my own worries and concerns. It was ironic because the song was about focusing on God and giving all we are to worship him. I find it so easy to get distracted even during the message with the things that I need to take care of; finding a job, homework, dealing with relationships and it's like even though we aren't supposed to worry it doesn't exactly leave when we go to church or something. I find that the ability to not worry and to abandon all we are should not just happen every Sunday but rather should be something we strive for each and every day. I am so in want of all these things that I don't really stop and think for once that Jesus said

'But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.' -Matthew 6:33

This is very counter-intuitive to me; in order to receive the things that we are concerned/thinking about we must just think about God and stop worrying about the rest. So in a secular way, only when we don't care about something can we have it. Spiritually, we realize that we never needed it in the first place, that God is greater than any of the other hopes we longed for. I was reading in 'The Great Divorce' today about this woman who was afraid of going to heaven because she was a ghost and she thought that the heavenly people seeing through her was too embarrassing. And because of that she would rather have just gone back to hell/purgatory than stay in heaven and face the embarrassment associated with that. And of course from our perspective it just looks silly until we get to the heart of what C.S. Lewis was trying to describe in this scene; the next lines in the story were 'Friend' said the Spirit. 'Could you, only for a moment, fix your mind on something not yourself?' How true is that for all of us? That we are so occupied with our presence and joy in life we forget to see the bigger picture sometimes. If the woman had just thought about something else, had thought about the joy and eternal happiness she could have received instead of her temporary embarrassment she would have been fine. But seeing from a third person perspective and being that person is always different.

I know that I tend to focus on the temporary more so than not. Embodying what is commanded in Matthew is so difficult, and it is a test each day that I fail very often. Pastor Brian said that the more we grow to know Christ, the more we see of our complete depravity and wretchedness. That walking in Christ shouldn't lead us to think we're getting better, but rather that more and more just how great and loving and amazing God is and what fallen people we are. But this grace doesn't mean we should just accept that He is forgiving and keep focusing on the temporary, on the relative concerns of each day. Rather we should always remember that Christ comes first and let that thought envelop and change our every day. That we throw away embarrassment and worry and fear of ridicule and just bring Him glory in the ways we're called to. I'm pretty sure I can't do what I just said we should. If we were so capable of realizing our own faults and changing them there would be no need for Jesus and His sacrifice. But it shouldn't be something we leave aside and wait til later either. In the end as we've seen, Jesus will call us to forsake all the temporary anyways so it isn't something really avoidable in any case.

I'll end with this random verse of the day: “This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” -1 John 4:10 The thing that stood out to me was that our definition of love is flawed because we are faulty beings. I feel a lot of the things that we distinguish as either 'good' or 'bad' change definitions when it comes from God's perspective. That we have corrupted these good and bad things and made them into something only applicable to us. That is why this verse is important, because love isn't quantified as something that comes from us, from sinful creatures but rather from God. Therefore we know that this love is perfect and that also this is the love that can fill us and overflow if only we let it.

My whole life is Yours
I give it all
Surrendered to Your Name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way
Have Your way
-Hillsong

Stagnation

So I haven't really blogged in awhile. A lot has been going on recently after I got back from Korea. I got robbed and lost all my pictures...that was no fun. And I guess also with 22 units school seems a little hectic here and there and I feel the slow pressure of midterms and performance requirements creeping up and weighing on my shoulders. But to be quite honest, I simply wanted to avoid the need to have to think, to have to come to terms with the things I haven't been doing, to not think about and pass over the faith that I have been neglecting. But with all things that are inevitable, I felt it was a better idea to simply admit my faults and find where I last left off my walk.

It all started with this little problem. This thing that I turned in my head into something bad, into something I would remember. And I suppose that once the thoughts of jealous, betrayal, and anger being sprouting up, it really becomes a foothold for Satan to grab on and to build up on. I think that when Jesus told us to forgive, it is not merely because He forgave but also because it is quite simply in our best interest to. Maybe that one sin wasn't much, but as it just kind of remained with me other things began to sprout up and before I knew it things just got kind of outta control.

I don't think it was a decided act on my part, but once I was thinking about all these things my desire to pray and spend time with God just sort of edged away. God was right as always, we cannot serve two masters. If we begin to obey one, our devotion to the other will slowly but surely fade away. Lucky for me, God is gracious in His mercy and forgiveness and is always giving us chances to turn back and realize that the true master is in the opposite direction. I know that recently I've been stagnant, and as I drift the sins just pile on and on. I think what finally made me want to do something about this was a passage from C.S. Lewis' 'The Great Divorce'

Having allowed oneself to drift, unresisting, unpraying, accepting every half-conscious solicitation from our desires, we reached a point where we no longer believed the Faith.

I still don't feel the call, the pressing need to spend time with God..but I feel that is more because people in sin simply feel the emptiness that comes with not being near God and this emptiness also destroys our desire to be with Him.

Though I feel numb I want to pray. I want to seek Him though I can't seem to muster the emotion for that feeling. I need God because I realized a long time ago that this world without Him would be empty and desolate and hopeless. That I desire in my heart something that this world can't satisfy, though sometimes I seem to turn away from this thought. 'Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?' -Mere Christianity

And when it comes down, there is the impending realization that is God who is doing all this. That though I am far from Him, He is still calling to me to come and follow him. That I find forgiveness with him, and the heart to forgive others in that love. I hope that my prayer and my quiet times are not simply to find answers to my struggles, but rather to spend time loving and worshiping God; otherwise it would seem like I'm just using Him for my ends. It always comes as a shock and awe kind of thing to me when someone finds a great way to describe God's love for us, because I am always at a loss for words when it comes to it. I was reading A Grief Observed, where C.S. Lewis is talking through the loss of his wife Joy and wishes to some degree that he could endure that pain for her. What really stood out was that, if given the option to endure the pain for someone, would we actually do it? Do we really have that selflessness that allows us to sacrifice our well being for someone else, for even a loved one. But then we see the character of Jesus, who was given that choice and took it. Who, though we were dirty and wretched, STILL rescued us from death by taking our sufferings from us. Oh how He loves us! Lewis said that sometimes our faith and religion needs to be tested to show us how strong is it, and how much of it is solid when there is actually something at stake. Part of growing in our faith is to realize that Jesus is so much greater than anything we can imagine, and the things He has done are quite simply indescribable, unimaginable, and therefore all the more beautiful and majestic. I know that I will never find the words to describe Him, but that since He's the one doing the finding I don't have to worry about my own capacity for those things. And though I am numb, He will deliver me from the darkness.

I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness -John 12:46