Selfishness

So today I was sitting at church and during worship for some reason my mind kept wondering to other things. Long story short, I wasn't really paying attention to the worship but just my own worries and concerns. It was ironic because the song was about focusing on God and giving all we are to worship him. I find it so easy to get distracted even during the message with the things that I need to take care of; finding a job, homework, dealing with relationships and it's like even though we aren't supposed to worry it doesn't exactly leave when we go to church or something. I find that the ability to not worry and to abandon all we are should not just happen every Sunday but rather should be something we strive for each and every day. I am so in want of all these things that I don't really stop and think for once that Jesus said

'But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.' -Matthew 6:33

This is very counter-intuitive to me; in order to receive the things that we are concerned/thinking about we must just think about God and stop worrying about the rest. So in a secular way, only when we don't care about something can we have it. Spiritually, we realize that we never needed it in the first place, that God is greater than any of the other hopes we longed for. I was reading in 'The Great Divorce' today about this woman who was afraid of going to heaven because she was a ghost and she thought that the heavenly people seeing through her was too embarrassing. And because of that she would rather have just gone back to hell/purgatory than stay in heaven and face the embarrassment associated with that. And of course from our perspective it just looks silly until we get to the heart of what C.S. Lewis was trying to describe in this scene; the next lines in the story were 'Friend' said the Spirit. 'Could you, only for a moment, fix your mind on something not yourself?' How true is that for all of us? That we are so occupied with our presence and joy in life we forget to see the bigger picture sometimes. If the woman had just thought about something else, had thought about the joy and eternal happiness she could have received instead of her temporary embarrassment she would have been fine. But seeing from a third person perspective and being that person is always different.

I know that I tend to focus on the temporary more so than not. Embodying what is commanded in Matthew is so difficult, and it is a test each day that I fail very often. Pastor Brian said that the more we grow to know Christ, the more we see of our complete depravity and wretchedness. That walking in Christ shouldn't lead us to think we're getting better, but rather that more and more just how great and loving and amazing God is and what fallen people we are. But this grace doesn't mean we should just accept that He is forgiving and keep focusing on the temporary, on the relative concerns of each day. Rather we should always remember that Christ comes first and let that thought envelop and change our every day. That we throw away embarrassment and worry and fear of ridicule and just bring Him glory in the ways we're called to. I'm pretty sure I can't do what I just said we should. If we were so capable of realizing our own faults and changing them there would be no need for Jesus and His sacrifice. But it shouldn't be something we leave aside and wait til later either. In the end as we've seen, Jesus will call us to forsake all the temporary anyways so it isn't something really avoidable in any case.

I'll end with this random verse of the day: “This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” -1 John 4:10 The thing that stood out to me was that our definition of love is flawed because we are faulty beings. I feel a lot of the things that we distinguish as either 'good' or 'bad' change definitions when it comes from God's perspective. That we have corrupted these good and bad things and made them into something only applicable to us. That is why this verse is important, because love isn't quantified as something that comes from us, from sinful creatures but rather from God. Therefore we know that this love is perfect and that also this is the love that can fill us and overflow if only we let it.

My whole life is Yours
I give it all
Surrendered to Your Name
And forever I will pray
Have Your way
Have Your way
-Hillsong