School: 4 midterms down, 4 to go. 4 projects left. 6 finals. I did poorly on half those midterms simply because I didn't get enough sleep and misread the questions. I'm killing myself over them because I studied so much and it just happened to be a few stupid mistakes that ruins the soup. I have 2 next week, one for Health Econ and the other for Auditing. I don't even want to think about the projects because I can't get my mind off the midterms and what I need to learn for them. Not to mention that it just means finals are up and coming and I don't know how on earth I am going to do well in any of them.
Job: I can't find one. I suck at looking and I suck at interacting with people who could hire me. Not to mention I'm not really getting any interviews so it's like well you can't even talk to them so you don't need to learn how to talk to them yet. I had a good talk with my mom today about it and I'm feeling less strained about it. Not to mention some people have been very helpful and encouraging in helping me look and stuff so I'm really thankful for that. I just want to keep praying that God provides and that I have the will and heart to just place these struggles with him.
Things of the heart: In this subject I have been devastated lately, and it's been such a struggle in a lot of aspects and just a burden that I want to cast away. First issue, I've been talking and hanging out with a girl, but with graduation and things coming up it is a very complicated situation that I haven't been treating well and that I have been thinking about more than healthy haha. I wish things would just resolve but like pastor Brian said in the sermon today sometimes our struggles grow us in ways we couldn't have imagined, or we're simply not seeing enough. I want to make this into something that I can use to glorify God and to set His will and presence in it all. There is nothing that can be forced that wouldn't fall down again without the approval and grace God gives us in this area and therefore there is no need to get ahead of ourselves before God has prepared the way.
Now this kind of ties to 'Things of the heart' but it's a more concrete and basic struggle. I am still not good at this forgiveness thing and it seems like not dealing with it just makes things add up greatly to a point I'm really angry and frustrated. So basically, someone caused a stirrup between me and another friend. And from that point on I have been really angry/annoyed at my friend. Things just kinda added up and I find that I still do not have the heart to let it go and just forgive and forget. Some things are fundamental differences and some are simply prideful foolishness. At the crux of the issue, I feel that I am the way who was being wronged both ways, but since neither of them can/will do anything I need to be the one to suck it all up and let everything go. I thought forgiving someone when they said sorry was hard, but when it isn't your fault? Oh my God it is the worst thing ever. Bringing my 'tremendous' struggle down to earth, it's something Jesus did. He forgave even though they were so wretched and evil. And even when they still sinned afterwards He still forgave and forgives them and provides us with his grace and love and mercy every day to sustain us. So I give this burden to Him, because no matter what way or method I can think of this is not something I can capable of doing and I know that He will save me from the hatefulness of holding grudges. I even want to make myself seem righteous in 'forgiving' but I know I'm not and it just seems to make things worse sometimes. No matter who's fault is it and what needs to be done, it's always better to suck it up and do the right thing yourself (with Christ).
So this post is sort of a prayer. That I give all of these struggles and more just to God. I am weak and burdened and tired. I haven't been resting well thinking about these things and I kind of miss having that chill-ness that I usually feel. So God, I know that I'm writing these things down, mostly because my mind is too much in a mess to think these thoughts coherently, but I just give these things to you Lord. Help me to view my struggles as a way to glorify you, and as thing you have given me that only shows me more of your love and kindness. That I may in all of this see your grace at work and your constant provision and care for me Lord. Help me to see that this isn't the end or start of anything but only a mere roadblock on the way to You and it is a roadblock that You will dash away. Give my heart the peace I seek Lord and my mind the rest that I have been missing without You. Amen
This we know we have a new life
We are Yours now and forever
In this life all that we seek
To be with You more than anything
-Hillsong
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