It all started a couple of weeks ago when I had Nutri Sci and Accounting midterms stacked on the same day. I thought that I could totally just drop the nutri sci midterm and do well on it next time since I wouldn't have overlapping midterms again right? Too bad I had 3 in the same week and nutri sci stacked on the same day again. Thus began my week.
I thought it would be a lot worse than it was, and I think that, that difference was what kept me through the week. Needless to say, I was pretty tired through most of it and obviously lacking on sleep. At one point I felt like I would get a heart attack because I had done way too much already.
I read this quote randomly somewhere secret on Monday
"Be joyful in your sufferings" -Probably Paul
Now, granted my sufferings were self inflicted, it doesn't mean they weren't sufferings. But my mind was always on this, and it got me through the days. When you're a kid, you always look for the thing that will always make you happy, and you go for it. As adults, it seems like path to happiness is a little muddy. If we always look for something that doesn't hurt, that doesn't cause us discomfort, I believe we will be looking for the rest of our lives in this world. I say this because I believe that we don't find God, He finds us. I can't imagine how unbelievably difficult it would be to find the Lord when we're covered completely in the filth and sin of our existence.
This phrase makes a lot of sense to everybody. That we should be joyful while we're hurting, that we should find contentment in what God has provided for us, because he sustains us everyday. While I was cramming, I heard the most amazing song ever. I listened to this a lot awhile back, and now that I hear it again I'm reminded of that feeling when God first showed himself to me, and just how amazing that was. It's interesting, because I still feel the same way..sometimes.
The song was written by John Newton, owner of slave traders in the Indies who later reformed and became a priest.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
When we've been here ten thousand years
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.
This really moves everything back to God. I understand that sufferings are a part of life, and that they will pass, as happiness does in the same way. I'm really finding it hard to express the feelings that I feel reading these lyrics, and I think it's the same inexplicable feeling of when Grace appeared to us. How can we even begin to describe this deep love, so flawless and beautiful and perfect, given to us the undeserving. And that last part does grieve me so, because I know I am wretched and undeserving, yet I still received it. Through all my sin and shame, I was lifted up from the darkness into where I could see, so those feelings come back once again.
I think when Newton wrote 'Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear' He was talking about how when our eyes are opened, all we see is the darkness, the sin in our lives. For someone who had engaged in the slave trade, the fear of all that must have been overwhelming. BUT, it was also Grace that gave him the peace of heart to conquer those fears, to know that he has been brought out of the darkness. I wonder if he knew that God would use him in all these ways.
This past week, I've also been thinking about how we carry each others burdens. I don't believe it simply means to care for others, it means to really love them and pray and be there for their and feel their sorrow in your heart and cry for them. Jesus wept when he felt the sorrow of Lazarus's death. Though He knew that Lazarus would rise again, he still grieved with them, and loved them so. Usually I'm so self absorbed in my own needs and wants that I don't really think about those around me, those going through awful problems that I might have dealt with, and that they could really use prayer for. I have this problem with having pride in having overcome those issues, not realizing that all along someone was praying for me, someone was carrying me burdens, God was holding my hand and at points carrying me across when I could not walk. I want to grieve with them in the same way, to know their burdens and to just let them know that there is a way out, and that the light will appear if they pray hard enough. I wish I could simply place the assurance in their hearts that they will be fine, since in these cases words seem to fall short. But God speaks in the amazingly ways that we're foreign to, and through prayer I know its possible that He will give them the peace the need, and the place to turn to for their troubles, under Him. It's grace that has carried us thus far, and that shall lead us home!
All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever. -Isaiah
This verse relates to a Switchfoot song I was listening to earlier called 'Gone', where everything that is material disappears. It's kinda cool that I found this verse and then the song came up. One of the verses that really stood out was 'My high school dreams are gone.' and I laughed because my high schools dreams are definitely gone, I don't even think I have one of those realistic what I see the future as moments anymore. Everything fades, so why should we live? I realized recently that I have contentment in not having too much, and I don't think I would mind having a normal job and living like that, but once you add a family and kids the equation gets all jumbled up. Beyond that, I still worry about a lot of things that I should just give up to God. I don't want kids now, (unlike a person I know) but I also know that I need to have some responsibility. Time isn't money, but it also isn't ours to waste, we were placed here for a reason and we need to search after and make sure we answer our call. It kind of leads to prayer, which is what we talked about at sg leader prep. How prayer should be the most important, because it doesn't matter how much we know about the Bible or share or show charity, if we're not communicating with God. In Hebrews, it talks about how Christ was the final perfect sacrifice so we could speak with God directly, as opposed to through the priesthood. It is such a shame that sometimes we take it so lightly, something that Jesus sacrificed himself so we could do and we simply ignore it to do other stuff. Prayer should define our calling, it should define who we are and what we are to do, because that's a place where God communicates to us. We often don't hear what He says because we're simply not listening. All the static and noise of living in this world has numbed us and we need to run from it all even for a little bit if we wish to see and know all the good and grace God has planned for us.
I don't want to cling to the things of this world, the things I love so much. I once bragged that I didn't need much to live with, just my laptop would suffice. But the fact of the matter is I didn't even think of the Bible. We can have everything in the world, but what good is it if we don't have God. (Granted Biblegateway.com is nice) Thinking about these things have simply shown me that I am a great sinner and God is a great savior. God lasts forever, that's nice to know. I believe however that when I finally and fully realize the meaning of those words, I'll be silenced by how powerful they are. I don't think that I can see now how fully I have fallen, and how much God has done for us. I guess I'll keep that in mind for another time.
Twas Grace that brought me safe thus far, and Grace will lead me home.
God, the great provider of all, to Him be everlasting power, dominion and glory till the end of the ages and beyond. Amen.
I Will, am writing this with my own hands.....haha j/k.
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