I always think of myself as easygoing, because I don't care about much and because most of the things I do I don't really plan or think through. It leads to some rather interesting and entertaining situations that I feel are a blessing in my life. For instance, today when I was hanging out with a friend, someone wanted to go to 99, so obviously I decided to tag along. And on the way out I ran into our roommates heading home and suddenly we're all going to 99 together, which turns out to be a fun time. (We bought snacks) I think I've always been looking for people like these to hang out with, since I always seem to find that most of the people I know are studying half the time and planning their lives the rest. It's a nice change to always be exposed to people that are willing to do random junk w/o a plan and just going with the flow.
However there's always upsides and downsides to these situations, we obviously don't get much work done so it leads to a lot of cramming and really stressful times in between all the joy and laughter. I also began thinking whether why it happens now that I experience what I consider to be happiness and a time of good. Recently I began wondering if this is God's will for me to have this peace, and if so how should I glorify him in it, that it isn't simply a time to fellowship but that God is the center of our fellowship, that in what he has blessed us with we can glorify him. I find it hard. It's so easy to forget yourself in the moment, but when you are alone and finally thinking back about your day, it isn't necessary true that you will feel the same happiness you felt back then. What you really think about is what you did and the consequences of those actions. I find that in my memories the ones that stood out the most aren't the ones where I had good times with friends, but when God acted in them, whether to my joy or sorrow. And I've began realizing that in these times now it is important to treat them as Christian fellowship, because God is the one who gave it to us. It doesn't mean that we can't laugh or have fun, but that in this fun that glory to God should come, whether in growing brotherly love or charity and goodwill.
I also watched Up today. It was a good movie, I don't think it was amazing but I was falling asleep and dangerously close to falling on someone's shoulder so 1/4 of my mind was focused on not doing that. I liked the beginning more than everything, but what struck me was that, time really passed by for them. I wonder if when I'm old I'll imagine everything as a blur, because I already see high school as having zoomed bye. It made me uneasy, because I still see the world as something I want to explore and to enjoy. It is God's will? Or my own desires?
I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart. Psalm 40:8
I'm considering how I would accomplish this. I suppose that his law within my heart is the conscience I have, the Holy Spirit's sanctifying process in me. But do I really desire to do God's will? How can I tell what's his will or not? What does it mean to trust him so much that his will will be the only path I can choose?
One thing happened today that I feel worked out really well was seeing if I could actually graduate on time. I checked my DARS and it told me I was missing half my requirements for graduation. I began to panic in my head like crazy, I didn't wanna be stuck in school for so long or rather I didn't wanna be forced to take some classes and not the ones I wanted to. But we had guests over and I really didn't want to be a burden and just brood, so I reminded myself that God was good, he is holy, and that he will take care of things in his time. There wasn't a point to worry and panic then, (not that there ever is a time to) so I made a conscious decision to drop the issue until I could have the chance to figure it out. After everything ended, I checked DARS again and realized that the person who clicked the report (yes you did) picked the one from last year and I was on track completely to graduate...What a relief.
Which really brings up the point of misunderstandings, which is becoming a huge issue in my life. But we'll have to save that for another time.
What I wanted to say and what I learned was that God is working in us, and that as a result we will desire to do his will. How can we know what his will is? To keep living the life that he has calls us to, to attain the values and desires of his heart, letting go of any pride we might have in our persons or accomplishments. As long as we keep living a godly life and use his strength rather than ours, his will will become clear to us. I certainly have not reached this point, but I believe that the way we figure out his will is a straight line. I always thought that God shows us in strange ways and that we have to make sense of things. I think that is more of a fault of our own sin that God's clear word becomes distorted in our heads. That in reality he is being very clear with us and as we grow and seek him, our hearts will naturally desire what he has deemed his will.
This actually goes into video games now, because as I was saying earlier I'm pretty easygoing but when video games enter it seems everything changes. I don't believe that many things make me mad in the course of a day, but every time I play a game it's so much easier to forget my self control and my mind becomes more harsh. Does this mean I should stop playing video games? Maybe, but I really don't want to. I might be wrong in this, but I feel that it is also a good time to practice patience and caring. It's very easy to be angry online because you are so detached from the other players, you don't see their faces nor hear their names, and so in a way they are dehumanized into simple characters on a stage. When we dehumanize something, respect for it disappears, and we don't really treat them with the love that we should express towards other human beings. And I think that is something to work on...because it plays into real life as well. We are called to be caretakers of the environment, but how can we do that if we don't appreciate and love the trees and the world around us? It's a quest for me to keep in mind that all these things are not simply items on a screen but rather people. I can't profess to be a Christian in life and not have it show in all aspects, because God works completely in our lives in every part.
5Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? 6And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test. 2 Corinthians 13:5-6
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