Home

So I've been back in San Diego for awhile. It's nice and rainy and cold, all the things I can expect in Berkeley but everywhere just takes longer to get to. I think whenever I am back in San Diego, I am less happy here, for some obvious reasons and for some that are not so clear cut.

Obvious reasons...Though I love my sister very much, it is impossible to hang out with her as much as she demands. And so there always comes that time when I have to say I can't or that I am going somewhere else which makes my mom annoyed at me and unreasonable for some odd reason. Also she likes to wake me up at 10 which I think in my sleep schedule is where I have peak enjoyance of my sleeping time so it's tiring to do it everyday. And I guess on another note I hate having to drive to anywhere to ever get anything done, I don't think I'm at the point in my life where I would enjoy living in the suburbs. It's dry, my skin is peeling and cracking everywhere and I have chapped lips, ugh. Also, you can't drink the tap water here because someone decided to mix sewage or whatnot with it and it just tastes terrible. So yea, practical reasons why San Diego makes me grumpy. And also, although I know my mom loves me; she is an amazingly naggy person and won't stop mentioning every tiny detail. 'You can't wear those pants to an interview, you can't wear jeans to an interview' Like my common sense doesn't exist or something. But anyways...

I believe the heart of the issue behind my temporary stupor while here rests on a few things that I feel affect me subconsciously. I can't really tell if these things are the cause of the fact that I'm more on edge, and just less patient toward people because I'm not really thinking about these things actively. But anyways, the first thing is...

My relationship with my parents. I always felt and maybe still feel that in some ways my parents very stubborn and pointed views about certain issues deprived me of the experiences that I wanted to have in middle and high school. I'm not trying to blame them for the things that happened, but simply recognizing that I probably would have done things differently if I were a parent. One of the things was video games, my mom was completely against it because she felt they were utterly useless, and that I should not focus on anything else other than school. It got to a point where I got yelled at for playing solitaire, which still bewilders me. Now if I had schoolwork or some great hobby I really enjoyed than I wouldn't have minded, but when you're part of the nerd crowd in school that plays games, then you really don't have much opportunities to hang out with people you want to be your friend. It was either them or the skaters, and they did drugs and were generally bad people. Another thing was that my parents hated fun, so whenever I wanted to go out I had to get rides from friends, and it really does get annoying even for me when I have to keep asking not to mention how my friends must have felt. I do recognize that now however some of the things that they did make sense to me. I should have been pushed that hard to do the things I needed to, to get into a good school, and to develop a good character. Nowadays I think things have changed, they trust me more, they're more open to the things I do, and they care more about my character than my grades. It's different and sometimes I don't know what to do about that. I'm used to just being sent to my room and studying or something, and now it's like I can talk to them and stuff. But I don't, because I don't know how, conversation doesn't come easy , but maybe when I grown older and understand more things.

It's interesting thinking about this, because I realize that some of the things God does and calls us to do, we don't really understand. And I don't believe it's just because God is testing us or something, though that could be it. It could also be that we aren't mature enough to realize that the things God calls us to are for our good, the things He does are to grow and heal and lead us to Him. And I think that as we grow older, we'll maybe see why God challenged us before in the ways He did, why we needed that push, why we needed to be told no. Parents screw up, and even if they mean the best they still can't do the right thing all the time. God doesn't screw up, everything He presses on us, everything that we try to fight and argue against is for our good. So sometimes we just have to go with the flow, to simply obey God with the assurance that it will be for our good in the end. That as we grow more mature and older in our walk we will be able to see the reasons that elude us at this moment.

The second reason is that San Diego reminds me of my ex-girlfriend a lot. Being together for 1 1/2 years meant that most of the places I go to, I can think of something I had done with her there. I don't believe I'm feeling nostalgic, it's more the idea that it brings up those old feelings of regret and stupidity once again. There's a verse from a song that goes: "All I once held dear, I now count as loss." The related verse is from Philippians 3:7

" ⁷But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ."

I think this verse was forced on me. I knew when we broke up, that I had screwed up a lot and back tracked away from God. This is the first time I'm writing about it since then, having struggled and lived at Cal for all this time. I think I can understand some finer points that were hidden to me before. The relationship itself, I don't really want to talk about that. There was a lot of things I simply wasn't old enough to handle, a lot of obstacles, and a lot of arguments. I don't say bad things when I argue because I learned back then, how difficult it is to mend those wounds once they're open. And yet during all that time I professed to be Christian, I qted occasionally, I went to church and learned and thought I loved God and knew that He loved me. I still know that, but I recognize that the god I loved is not the same as the God who loved me. And so at that point in my life, I was clinging on to something that was of this world, that tempted me away, and that I held on to for dear life with all of me.

And the real God, who loved me, tore me away from all that. What I thought I needed, what I wanted and desired was simply taken away...and that to me was devastating. I was angry, I was sad, and desperate and confused. And so I was in freshmen year of Cal. I know God gave me a lot grace there, like the fact that I didn't have to be in San Diego, and that even though later I left, Gracepoint gave me the brotherhood and fellowship I needed at that time. And the God who loved me still leads me forth in my path, though I still struggle to count all as loss that I once/still hold dear. I don't think this will end now, I know that letting go will always be something I need help with, something that God is teaching me and working through me, to give all up and follow Him, to treasure Him above everything else that this world can offer me.

Sometimes I have these moments of super wisdom where I suddenly realize that God is all and that everything else just doesn't matter. And then they fade away and I get tempted by all the other stuff of the world. I know I have changed in some things, and it's a kind of interesting change I've observed. I still struggle with the same things I did in high school; I still am tempted and do get jealous, angry, annoyed, impatient, and prideful. These things come up in my life still and so often that I sometimes wonder if I am still the same person with these feelings. But then I realized that how I deal with it is vastly different now, and though I can't really explain it well I know I feel more at peace with my current decisions. Such as being able to just let some things go and not simply act out what I am feeling. I guess to some extent it doesn't get easier dealing with my vices, but the more I grow in God and put my faith in Him I know that I will have the capacity and the ability to do this; to have patience though I want to be angry, to accept that all is His to give and take despite my jealousy, to love instead when I feel angry, and to recognize that God is the one who does all of this in me though I am prideful.

It's so much easier to hold on and cling to things than to let go. I think because letting go makes it so less things are known, and I'm afraid of the dark so obviously I'd be afraid of the unknown. But there's an analogy I came up with once that works against me. I'll tell the story. I was coming back from Safeway and waiting for the bus, and there was this homeless lady waiting too that wouldn't stop asking me when the bus was coming, and if I could see it or not. Finally I got annoyed and told her that not matter how often she asks me, the bus isn't going to come any faster, and that it'll be here when it does. I don't think that would be such a bad mindset to have; we can't make the future come any quicker, we can only be patient and wait for it and trust that it is God's future for us. It's on schedule, and it's certainly not late unlike the bus. It'll come when it comes and us rushing and asking and seeking after it won't change that.

Sometimes I still think about it, about all the stupid things I've done, and wonder if it'll ever leave me. Ah, I just had an inspirational thought. The more we live, it should be that we see more and more clearly just how depraved creatures we really are. My vices of the past still remain with me, and I am still sinful in all those ways in my thoughts. It's like that David Crowder song "But the harder I try, the more clearly that I see the depth of our fall." I am in as much need of God now as I was then and as I will be forever. I don't know if I will forget all the stuff I regret and all the mistakes I made, but I do hope that I will always believe they are forgiven, that God has seen to take me, a prodigal son, back to Him.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (New International Version)

¹⁷Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

We are new, we are mended, we are saved, we are taken care of, and the old things have gone.
And this makes all the difference, this changes everything, making our whole existence have meaning so we sing....

And while I was proofreading this a cool verse came up.

“This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”- Isaiah 43:16, 18-19

Do not dwell on the past...Though I do tell other people to do this I have a tendency sometimes to do it anyways. Haha sorry to those who this applies to. So I guess this is kind of God's answer and guide to my current struggle, to really let everything go and forget the former things. To perceive and observe the things God is doing in the present; all the glorious and wonderful and miraculous things. With so many things to observe, we won't even have time to think about the former things anymore!

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want
-Brooke Fraser


As a second addendum, I am very thankful for the parents that I did have. Even though I was just a step-kid, my step-dad really does love me and cares about what kind of person I become. I don't really mind most of the things that happened since it's all in the past, I just feel some of the things that did happen are what contributed to our strange family dynamics.

Bad Habits

So I have a good memory for random information, and also for bad things that happen to me. In fact, I still remember in high school when my dad didn't let me go see Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King in theaters. When I mention it to him, he gets angry that I still remember that.

I guess when somebody wrongs me in some way, its easy for me to say I forgive them, but I don't believe I would forget about those things readily. I guess for the most part, I thought it was alright to behave this way, that forgetting was different from forgiving. Then I read this article:

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002188.cfm

The topic is a little different, but I feel I have the same general struggle as the writer. And he mentioned an interesting idea, that when we sin against someone, in reality it is simply that person's sin against God. It's prideful of me to think that someone's sin against me is worse than the sin towards God. Even though I might feel wronged, the sin itself is much worse towards God than anything someone could do to me. And it's not like I haven't committed the same sins, it's hypocritical of me to forget my own sins while judging someone else.

He also writes in part II about how he replays images in his head, and that's what hurts him the most. I was like, yea, I do that too. So I mean, this dude is strikingly similar to me, except he's married and writes a lot better.

I think for a while I was okay with not forgetting, with just forgiving and working through the other parts as time passed. But now I think I need to do both, in fact it was a pretty obvious command.

I like when things connect together. I've been doing memory verses and I memorized Hebrews 12:1-2 recently:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with great perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us FOCUS OUR EYES ON JESUS CHRIST, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.'

So I haven't memorized it perfectly, but you get the idea. That first part of verse II has really stuck with me this week, focusing on Jesus in all I do. Jesus who forgave our sins, and who also forgot our transgressions against him. (Isaiah 43:25)

It's interesting that this verse came from Isaiah, because I realized today that Isaiah is the book I should qt with now.

Anyways, I should do what Jesus does. I'm not really forgiving if I can't forget. The bitterness won't go away unless I let it go. I'm sorry for thinking I could do one without the other, for not sincerely forgiving.

So no more second guessing, no more distrust. I will forgive and forget. I will trust fully and not doubt. And...I won't fail to do this, because Christ did it, and so through His power I am able.

"Come now, let us reason together,"
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.

-Isaiah 1:18

Oh how He loves us.

Sometimes when things go too right, I tend to forget about God. I still pray and worship, but I fail to listen to God for most of the time. When He speaks I would rather think about all the things I can do in a day and the temporarily happiness that I can find without needing His guidance. Yet when some things break down its when I finally realize that I need God so much more than I thought, when He is all I have and all that I should depend on is when I see His love for us.

Why is it that when things go well we always lose sight of the great Lord. Maybe that's why there is so much pain and suffering in the world, because when there is extended happiness all we learn to depend and lean on for support and joy is our friends, our families, our material possessions, our worldy lives. Yet when we have everything taken away, when God is the only one that remains, that we finally lean on him and learn about Him and know that He is just as good in the past when there was joy as now when there is suffering. God is constant through all, He is the same yesterday, today, and forevermore. It makes logical sense then to contemplate that the sufferings we endure are therefore for our own good, because it brings us closer to Him.

I'm beginning to think that is the trick to living a content and satisfying life, to be able to enjoy God when we are doing well in life, and also to not have to change when things go wrong, because our hope has been on Him this entire time. What does it mean to lean on God? I don't even know anymore. What does it mean to have Him in our lives? How do we gain this strength to survive, to keep going and to see the grace that He provides us everyday when we lose our crutch. There is that one parable that I see people use often; 'Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him forever.' God could just give us a satisfying good life, but how can we ever learn about Him, about the person behind all these fish, if everyday we just wake up to fish on our tables. God is teaching us how to fish, how to live in Him. When we don't go fishing everyday, we end up hungry. Sadly, unlike hunger, we don't realize our depravity and our dire need for Christ until it is quite simply too late. We need to make our lives like that, where God is more important than food, where one day without Him will leave us starving and needing to get back to Him as soon as possible.

Recently, this idea of bearing with one another crept up in my life. That I'm supposed to seek after others with love and patience, bearing with their faults and forgiving them. There's a lot of people in my life that I don't really bear with. I would rather hang out with my close friends, and the others I'm willing just to see on a necessity basis; it's not really the right thing to do. Where on earth do I find this love when I have none of own, where can I turn now. Sometimes I'm scared to pray for certain things, because I think the way God answers prayers is to force us into situations that require those skills we prayed for. I pray for patience and God puts in my life those who I would quickly lose patience with. I pray for trust in God and then suddenly there are moments where I have no other options but to put my hopes and my faith in Him. I end up praying for them anyways, and enduring the consequences. This is because I figure those skills, though I don't want to go through learning to have them, will eventually prove much more useful in my life. If God knows my heart and my needs, why should I not acknowledge them myself. And when it comes to a point where I don't believe I can handle it anymore, when I find my strength lacking and draining away, I find that miraculously the energy I need fills my heart and I keep going. How God loves us so. So my prayer is for forgiveness, to love those I would rather not love. To throw away all my earthly assumptions and pride and desires, and simply turn to Him knowing that His will is sovereign and that all is for our good in the end, no matter how painful and mysterious it might seem at the present.

If His grace is like an ocean, we're all sinking.

Danny Boy

I read this short story today that started out really really really slow, but somehow picked up and ended shockingly. I have to say it was something I wasn't expecting, but considering the site I don't see why I was so surprised at the end of it all. It was a long metaphor about Jesus' sacrifice for us, and the right attitude we should have in light of that. It doesn't tell us to be consumed by guilt, but rather have a gratitude for Him, for the Savior that freed us from the guilt and led us to something better than ourselves. The only problem with the story was that it took about 100 pages to go through it all.

The story linked me to this passage in the Bible.

Philippians 2

Imitating Christ's Humility

¹If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ²then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. ³Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. ⁴Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

⁵Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
⁶Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
⁷but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
⁸And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
⁹Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
¹⁰that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
¹¹and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

'Do not do anything out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.' Here's a lesson for me if I've ever seen one. I find that I"m calculating in a way that I will tend to act for my own benefit regardless of the situation, and that usually it ends up being the first thing I think of. It's something I've been working on, and quite honestly I'm still failing pretty badly at this point. It's hard to let everything go for God, which is an interesting thought, because He let everything go for us. We can repay God for all that He has done, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.

Humility is such an important idea, with very relevant practical applications. I find it pretty easy to consider someone worse than me, but to humble myself to someone I feel is lesser and put his/her needs and burdens over mine is certainly a strange idea. Slowly I've been working at giving God credit for the things of my life, and I hope as a part of that I begin to put others in a place over me, to love them more than I love myself.

I've realized that our journey needs to begin with God. That before we have the capacity to humble ourselves to others, and to carry their burdens, we must have a communion with God that reflects our unity with Him, our desires to spend more time with him and grow in him. Through this process, our hearts will begin to turn towards the right direction. No longer will we be influenced by our own ambitions, because we know that humanely ambitions are doomed to fail. The will of God prevails, and so it naturally makes sense we should learn from God how to be successful in life.

Whole

Ephesians 1:3-4

How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. -The Message

³Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, ⁴ even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. -ESV

I want to tackle this idea of being made whole and holy in Christ. It's amazing to think that before anything was created, God had already planned for our creation and our lives. That amid all the greatness of nature and the world that surrounds us and encompasses us, God had already decided that we would be the objects of His love and grace. How spectacular that is, to think that our lives were already set so that we would grow and that we would be happy and joyful forever! Worrying about the little details of life seems so insignificant compared the whole picture really, of what we are here to do and what we will accomplish in this world. But God planned it all, the little details and the big pictures, He loved us enough to do that, to make sure that we would not lose our way forever, that His hand would always be there to push and guide us.

This idea of being whole in Christ is really something else. As I think about it, I'm a very incomplete person. I might have some strengths, but many weaknesses that tend to overshadow any benefits I might provide people in life. I am wretched, depraved, useless, and hateful. I find it hard to love others, I would rather find minor annoyances to judge them by and perhaps sacrifice valuable friends in the process. I always expect the worst out of people, but demand their best. And when they can't provide that, I tell myself that's who they are and hate them for it. As I walk in Christ, I've learned that these things aren't going to become easier, and by my strength they will always remain. But Christ is making me whole, and when I can't find the strength to love, to accept people, He will provide. That though my heart is in pieces, and I wander the world blind, His hand is leading me to where He is. To be made whole in Christ is a glorious thing indeed. All these holes in my life are being filled up, and as they do, I'm finding my heart more and more in peace with where Christ has placed me. Life isn't about being the richest or the most powerful, but rather about finding that contentment with our lot. I think as incomplete beings, we always seek something to fill the hole, but it always falls short. Finally Christ filled that hole for us, and the Holy Spirit is sealing it, that we might have that peace at last. Without God, we would be lacking, without God, we would be wandering forever. Glory to God the Father and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit that decided we should not wander forever, and let us rest by the creek and enjoy God's greatness.

'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far, and Grace will lead me home.

God of all grace.

1 Peter 5

I lead this passage for small group, and it had a lot of good things to say to elders and young'uns that apply to everybody really. I guess reading this again, one thing that stood out was verse 8-10.

⁸Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. ¹⁰And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

When I was leading it for small group I didn't really take into account what verse 9 really meant. I recognized that the devil prowls, and recently in my life I've seen that it does and it's presence in tempting me to sin. But now verse 9 gives me strength. We are not alone in this struggle, whatever may be. No matter how much we think we're alone in our sufferings or that some struggle is ours alone, there are only so many situations in the world and so many people to experience them. I'm assured that someone in the world is undergoing the same struggle as me, and I as him. The thing that joins us together however is not our similarities, but rather our joint union and love in Christ. He is who we came from, our present companion, and our future. Together with fellow believers, we resist the sin that tempts us so, and as such the God of grace, who called us to him, will restore us.

¹⁰And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

For a little while, may seem like a lot at the present time. But as is with most things in life, as it passes by the moments of our sufferings will seem like that, only moments. It's interesting to think that when all has been said and done, it's not that we have grown any more by ourselves, or that we are stronger for the matter. God gives us the strength to accomplish what we are called to. And after our strength is depleted, He is the one who gives us our strength back, who makes us firm in Him, and fixed upon the purpose of our existence.

So as I'm suffering, I know that God is watching over me, and that others around the world are praying for the same thing, are seeking the same peace that I am in wont of. But this is only for a little while, til God calls us to Him, and we shall finally enjoy all the joy that our hearts are ever longing for. The joy that can't be replaced, that lasts forever and never fades. And while we're on earth, God blesses us with his strength and keeps us fixed upon Him, upon the greatness that He is, that we will not be afraid to follow, and not be afraid to declare!

Sustaining grace

This week was good, I learned a lot of stuff.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I had Nutri Sci and Accounting midterms stacked on the same day. I thought that I could totally just drop the nutri sci midterm and do well on it next time since I wouldn't have overlapping midterms again right? Too bad I had 3 in the same week and nutri sci stacked on the same day again. Thus began my week.

I thought it would be a lot worse than it was, and I think that, that difference was what kept me through the week. Needless to say, I was pretty tired through most of it and obviously lacking on sleep. At one point I felt like I would get a heart attack because I had done way too much already.

I read this quote randomly somewhere secret on Monday

"Be joyful in your sufferings" -Probably Paul

Now, granted my sufferings were self inflicted, it doesn't mean they weren't sufferings. But my mind was always on this, and it got me through the days. When you're a kid, you always look for the thing that will always make you happy, and you go for it. As adults, it seems like path to happiness is a little muddy. If we always look for something that doesn't hurt, that doesn't cause us discomfort, I believe we will be looking for the rest of our lives in this world. I say this because I believe that we don't find God, He finds us. I can't imagine how unbelievably difficult it would be to find the Lord when we're covered completely in the filth and sin of our existence.

This phrase makes a lot of sense to everybody. That we should be joyful while we're hurting, that we should find contentment in what God has provided for us, because he sustains us everyday. While I was cramming, I heard the most amazing song ever. I listened to this a lot awhile back, and now that I hear it again I'm reminded of that feeling when God first showed himself to me, and just how amazing that was. It's interesting, because I still feel the same way..sometimes.

The song was written by John Newton, owner of slave traders in the Indies who later reformed and became a priest.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

This really moves everything back to God. I understand that sufferings are a part of life, and that they will pass, as happiness does in the same way. I'm really finding it hard to express the feelings that I feel reading these lyrics, and I think it's the same inexplicable feeling of when Grace appeared to us. How can we even begin to describe this deep love, so flawless and beautiful and perfect, given to us the undeserving. And that last part does grieve me so, because I know I am wretched and undeserving, yet I still received it. Through all my sin and shame, I was lifted up from the darkness into where I could see, so those feelings come back once again.
I think when Newton wrote 'Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear' He was talking about how when our eyes are opened, all we see is the darkness, the sin in our lives. For someone who had engaged in the slave trade, the fear of all that must have been overwhelming. BUT, it was also Grace that gave him the peace of heart to conquer those fears, to know that he has been brought out of the darkness. I wonder if he knew that God would use him in all these ways.

This past week, I've also been thinking about how we carry each others burdens. I don't believe it simply means to care for others, it means to really love them and pray and be there for their and feel their sorrow in your heart and cry for them. Jesus wept when he felt the sorrow of Lazarus's death. Though He knew that Lazarus would rise again, he still grieved with them, and loved them so. Usually I'm so self absorbed in my own needs and wants that I don't really think about those around me, those going through awful problems that I might have dealt with, and that they could really use prayer for. I have this problem with having pride in having overcome those issues, not realizing that all along someone was praying for me, someone was carrying me burdens, God was holding my hand and at points carrying me across when I could not walk. I want to grieve with them in the same way, to know their burdens and to just let them know that there is a way out, and that the light will appear if they pray hard enough. I wish I could simply place the assurance in their hearts that they will be fine, since in these cases words seem to fall short. But God speaks in the amazingly ways that we're foreign to, and through prayer I know its possible that He will give them the peace the need, and the place to turn to for their troubles, under Him. It's grace that has carried us thus far, and that shall lead us home!

All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever. -Isaiah

This verse relates to a Switchfoot song I was listening to earlier called 'Gone', where everything that is material disappears. It's kinda cool that I found this verse and then the song came up. One of the verses that really stood out was 'My high school dreams are gone.' and I laughed because my high schools dreams are definitely gone, I don't even think I have one of those realistic what I see the future as moments anymore. Everything fades, so why should we live? I realized recently that I have contentment in not having too much, and I don't think I would mind having a normal job and living like that, but once you add a family and kids the equation gets all jumbled up. Beyond that, I still worry about a lot of things that I should just give up to God. I don't want kids now, (unlike a person I know) but I also know that I need to have some responsibility. Time isn't money, but it also isn't ours to waste, we were placed here for a reason and we need to search after and make sure we answer our call. It kind of leads to prayer, which is what we talked about at sg leader prep. How prayer should be the most important, because it doesn't matter how much we know about the Bible or share or show charity, if we're not communicating with God. In Hebrews, it talks about how Christ was the final perfect sacrifice so we could speak with God directly, as opposed to through the priesthood. It is such a shame that sometimes we take it so lightly, something that Jesus sacrificed himself so we could do and we simply ignore it to do other stuff. Prayer should define our calling, it should define who we are and what we are to do, because that's a place where God communicates to us. We often don't hear what He says because we're simply not listening. All the static and noise of living in this world has numbed us and we need to run from it all even for a little bit if we wish to see and know all the good and grace God has planned for us.

I don't want to cling to the things of this world, the things I love so much. I once bragged that I didn't need much to live with, just my laptop would suffice. But the fact of the matter is I didn't even think of the Bible. We can have everything in the world, but what good is it if we don't have God. (Granted Biblegateway.com is nice) Thinking about these things have simply shown me that I am a great sinner and God is a great savior. God lasts forever, that's nice to know. I believe however that when I finally and fully realize the meaning of those words, I'll be silenced by how powerful they are. I don't think that I can see now how fully I have fallen, and how much God has done for us. I guess I'll keep that in mind for another time.

Twas Grace that brought me safe thus far, and Grace will lead me home.

God, the great provider of all, to Him be everlasting power, dominion and glory till the end of the ages and beyond. Amen.


I Will, am writing this with my own hands.....haha j/k.

Remedy

Today, I watched paranormal activities, this indie EXCITER film where a couple was in a house haunted by a ghost/demon. It was interesting, because one of my friends kept asking me why people even watched exciters. The movie wasn't that scary, but some parts were a little freaky. In the end though, it was very comforting to know that God is our Redeemer and that he makes us safe because he cares for us. I think with this perspective watching a horror isn't really like hanging off a cliff and having God come rescue you. I don't believe its a ouji board or anything that attracts demons, its just...interesting. One of the main things that stood out in the movie however was simply how prideful the dude was when he was challenging the demon. For some reason he believed that he had the power to defeat him with yelling and physical bluffs. But...you can't defeat a spirit that way haha.

Thinking about it and remembering that Jesus is the one where our hope lies, I paid a little more attention to my conversations with people and realized that in my life there is a lot of pride I have been ignoring because I'm just used to it. Baring all instants where I jokingly brag that I know all, I saw that naturally I made assumptions about my own capabilities that weren't true. For one thing, when people say a movie was scary but I didn't think so, I'm proud to declare that fact. When in reality my rationale for not being afraid was that Jesus is the savior and that he provides that sanctuary. It's funny how I can take credit for something that goes back to Jesus once again.

On another note.

²Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

What does it mean to carry each other's burdens? At the surface level, it seems to suggest that we should care for each other and support them in their endeavors. But I wonder if there's more to it then that. I'll think about this a little more.

It's reassuring to know that as things change, and as we prepare to graduate and enter the world, that there is something solid and constant to hold on to. I don't really want to move on, I want to keep the friends I have now, the community, and the ease of life. I don't think I fear change, I've dealt with it so many times in the past, I'm just really tired of it. So I think I'll end with this verse.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrew 13:8

Keyboard

Someone messed up my keyboard,

Now I can't scroll correctly.....

YOU know who you are! Fess up and watch paranormal activities as an apology!

The will of God

I didn't mean to write in this blog so often but it seems like everyday something comes up that I feel I could write down and explore so here we go.

I always think of myself as easygoing, because I don't care about much and because most of the things I do I don't really plan or think through. It leads to some rather interesting and entertaining situations that I feel are a blessing in my life. For instance, today when I was hanging out with a friend, someone wanted to go to 99, so obviously I decided to tag along. And on the way out I ran into our roommates heading home and suddenly we're all going to 99 together, which turns out to be a fun time. (We bought snacks) I think I've always been looking for people like these to hang out with, since I always seem to find that most of the people I know are studying half the time and planning their lives the rest. It's a nice change to always be exposed to people that are willing to do random junk w/o a plan and just going with the flow.

However there's always upsides and downsides to these situations, we obviously don't get much work done so it leads to a lot of cramming and really stressful times in between all the joy and laughter. I also began thinking whether why it happens now that I experience what I consider to be happiness and a time of good. Recently I began wondering if this is God's will for me to have this peace, and if so how should I glorify him in it, that it isn't simply a time to fellowship but that God is the center of our fellowship, that in what he has blessed us with we can glorify him. I find it hard. It's so easy to forget yourself in the moment, but when you are alone and finally thinking back about your day, it isn't necessary true that you will feel the same happiness you felt back then. What you really think about is what you did and the consequences of those actions. I find that in my memories the ones that stood out the most aren't the ones where I had good times with friends, but when God acted in them, whether to my joy or sorrow. And I've began realizing that in these times now it is important to treat them as Christian fellowship, because God is the one who gave it to us. It doesn't mean that we can't laugh or have fun, but that in this fun that glory to God should come, whether in growing brotherly love or charity and goodwill.

I also watched Up today. It was a good movie, I don't think it was amazing but I was falling asleep and dangerously close to falling on someone's shoulder so 1/4 of my mind was focused on not doing that. I liked the beginning more than everything, but what struck me was that, time really passed by for them. I wonder if when I'm old I'll imagine everything as a blur, because I already see high school as having zoomed bye. It made me uneasy, because I still see the world as something I want to explore and to enjoy. It is God's will? Or my own desires?

I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart. Psalm 40:8

I'm considering how I would accomplish this. I suppose that his law within my heart is the conscience I have, the Holy Spirit's sanctifying process in me. But do I really desire to do God's will? How can I tell what's his will or not? What does it mean to trust him so much that his will will be the only path I can choose?

One thing happened today that I feel worked out really well was seeing if I could actually graduate on time. I checked my DARS and it told me I was missing half my requirements for graduation. I began to panic in my head like crazy, I didn't wanna be stuck in school for so long or rather I didn't wanna be forced to take some classes and not the ones I wanted to. But we had guests over and I really didn't want to be a burden and just brood, so I reminded myself that God was good, he is holy, and that he will take care of things in his time. There wasn't a point to worry and panic then, (not that there ever is a time to) so I made a conscious decision to drop the issue until I could have the chance to figure it out. After everything ended, I checked DARS again and realized that the person who clicked the report (yes you did) picked the one from last year and I was on track completely to graduate...What a relief.

Which really brings up the point of misunderstandings, which is becoming a huge issue in my life. But we'll have to save that for another time.

What I wanted to say and what I learned was that God is working in us, and that as a result we will desire to do his will. How can we know what his will is? To keep living the life that he has calls us to, to attain the values and desires of his heart, letting go of any pride we might have in our persons or accomplishments. As long as we keep living a godly life and use his strength rather than ours, his will will become clear to us. I certainly have not reached this point, but I believe that the way we figure out his will is a straight line. I always thought that God shows us in strange ways and that we have to make sense of things. I think that is more of a fault of our own sin that God's clear word becomes distorted in our heads. That in reality he is being very clear with us and as we grow and seek him, our hearts will naturally desire what he has deemed his will.

This actually goes into video games now, because as I was saying earlier I'm pretty easygoing but when video games enter it seems everything changes. I don't believe that many things make me mad in the course of a day, but every time I play a game it's so much easier to forget my self control and my mind becomes more harsh. Does this mean I should stop playing video games? Maybe, but I really don't want to. I might be wrong in this, but I feel that it is also a good time to practice patience and caring. It's very easy to be angry online because you are so detached from the other players, you don't see their faces nor hear their names, and so in a way they are dehumanized into simple characters on a stage. When we dehumanize something, respect for it disappears, and we don't really treat them with the love that we should express towards other human beings. And I think that is something to work on...because it plays into real life as well. We are called to be caretakers of the environment, but how can we do that if we don't appreciate and love the trees and the world around us? It's a quest for me to keep in mind that all these things are not simply items on a screen but rather people. I can't profess to be a Christian in life and not have it show in all aspects, because God works completely in our lives in every part.

⁵Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? ⁶And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test. 2 Corinthians 13:5-6

Humility

C.S. Lewis talks about pride being one of the deadliest sins, because we don't always think about it. For example, lets say a man has a great problem with his anger. And in his efforts to read and reform he manages to suppress this anger, and he gives himself all the credit for doing so. He believes he has won dominance over his sin, but then there is another sin waiting for him. It's like replacing a cold with cancer.

We don't think about pride that strongly because it isn't as well defined in physical form as other sin. Pride is very subtle, and because we don't think about it, its very dangerous. A man can live his life perfect and sinless and yet be engaged in pride at this very moment. This is why Jesus calls us to be humble and meek, why Peter stresses it so. We at some points in our lives feel like we can do anything through out own strength and believe that all the days of our lives. That it was I who did it, it was I who conquered, who won the game, who saved that person, who preached the gospel, who showed his love and strength in his endurance of persecution.

But it wasn't me, in fact I strongly doubt that good we do is actually by our own ways and mind. We are such wretched creatures that I am starting to believe alone we are utterly incapable of even a sliver of the love that the Godhead has created and so graciously bestowed upon us. God is the one who saves, He is the one who conquered, who dominants sin, who gives us the strength to serve and survive persecution and to declare that HE IS LORD OVER ALL. It's not by our strength that we can recognize his sovereignty, it's not by our strength that we can even realize that there is a God who loves and who cares for us. It's God working in us, its God convicting us of our beliefs, and God who gives us our families, our friends, and most importantly the opportunity for salvation.

How dare we think for even a moment that these works are done through our hands. As wretched creatures we are incapable of good, incapable of conquering the sin that so defines and underlines our lives. God freed us from sin. God works in us to good deeds. We can't fall into this idea of thinking that its half God and half us, its ALL GOD. So how can we have pride? Why do we even need pride? The devil suggests that pride will justify us, that our own accomplishments will define our greatness and our future worth. But what is worldly worth compared to the greatness of heaven and the rewards God has promised, that we have received through no action of our own. How can we seek self worth when the greatest thing of all is impossible to reach and so close at hand.

Today I studied 1 Peter5 , where Peter urges the young generation to be humble under the mighty hand of God. And I wondered what this exactly means, what it means to be humble under Christ and how this would work in my life. I learned the lesson much faster than I expected. In my obsession to have some societal gain I put the words of man as my priority, rather then through pray and supposition make my wishes known to God. And everything fell apart, I don't even know what happened but nothing I did seemed to work out in respect to my goals. And then the passage I had just learned came into mind.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5: 6-7

What was I even thinking? When the answer was so clearly in front of me, why would I go anywhere else? God will take in my worries, he'll remove them from me, because he LOVES me and CARES for me. I have not been abandoned. God is watching out for me, and I should stop running from him, I should stop believing that I can in any way by myself influence the path that God has seen for me to walk in. I let my pride get in the way of my walk and try to force by humanly means what should have been left to God from the start. He cares. He loves. And as I walk and learn to humble myself to him, to trust in God instead of men, I know that my worries will leave me, and that it will be good. And how will I humble myself? God will provide the lessons and the strength to endure through and take them in. He will carry me on the path to him, and teach me to trust in him. IT'S ALL GOD. It was never me. God is the remedy, He is the one who has saved us. He forgive us. He's coming again.

All is well with my soul.

We The Redeemed

We sang this song in church today. It's one of those songs that when the worship team hits the course, everybody raises their hand and shouts it.

I was sitting down trying to stay awake...today it seemed like everything I've been holding off or running away from finally caught up, and I found myself just wanting to go home and sleep away the day. I still though, though I've rationalized that another day will simply yield the same result and eventually I'll run out of money to pay for rent.

Why does it seem like every time I have a firm grasp on reality it just jumps away? All I really want is just for things to be constant, to not change...I've had enough of change, enough of finding new friends or keeping in touch with old ones. Why can't God just give me that much at least?

My friend's blog related Christianity to smoking. Apparently as a smoker, if you quit, all the tar and stuff just forces itself out. As a Christian, when you're born again, all the sin that's accumulated in your life should leave and you should be freed from it all. That makes sense in idea, but in practice all I find is my old sin recurring again and again and for all the good and blessings I have received I can't seem to relent from the constant lust and anger that plague my life.

I always considered my testimony in Christ to be gradual, the constant drip of a leak rather than a huge storm. But I really wonder if my mind has recognized what my heart knows to be true. If it did I would feel more compelled to love right? To dash away my old sins? To care for strangers and the weak? Why don't I? I judge rather than love. I expect the worst from others, but demand their best. It's a recipe for disaster at best.



Yet it seems the further I run from God, the more He calls me to him, to hide in the shadow of his wing, to enjoy his greatness. What God has blessed for me I can never deny, nor give it back. Even though I'm stagnant, I still feel his presence, the constant calling to grow, to stop lagging, to embrace his love and realize that though I'm wretched and poor, it doesn't matter.

Glorious, glorious one
You have saved us
Honour and power and praise to the savior
You are the answer
You are the answer

It's so simple in the end. I am stuck worrying about all the petty details of daily life when there's so much more to be enjoyed would I only open my eyes. I want to stop dwelling on everything that doesn't work out and live in God.

It feels like I have a spiritual cold right now, that everything is really shitty and I just want to sleep it away. But after a cold, there's always an appreciation for the reality of things, to take in all the wonders of our days that we take for granted. To remember the friends that held us through it and the God that walked with us all the days of our lives.

My roommates and I watched Amazing Grace today, and though it was a change in plans somehow it now looks like it was for the best. In the movie, William Wilberforce receives a calling from God, and as he tries and tries to answer it he's simply stalled until finally in his later years it finally worked out. I was staggered by how long he had been working in this path, and just how through it all he received so much grace and love in his life. Thinking about waiting 15 years to have something happen, all the while struggling through ridicule and slander, is pretty terrifying. We always praise and idolize those who do amazing feats of physical and mental capacity, but what about those who's gift in life was the wonderful talent of patience.

I wish I had that talent. I have no patience at all. I get annoyed often, angry if it's video games. God awards those who have patience in him. Like Abraham, Noah, Job, all those who trusted in God through their calls, though many years had passed before they saw the gifts God would provide them.

What does it mean to walk with God? How do I do it? I want a manual darn it. I don't want to be told to pray and wait for what God calls me to, I just want it written down. I want someone to tell me exactly what to do. The funny thing is, I know God is telling me what to do, and showing me what I'm being called to, I just haven't opened my eyes yet.

I guess in the end I don't like this gradual process business. But all good things in life take time....like trees, wine, and most importantly salvation.

Today I was very angry, at something which in the future will seem very childish. But for now I still simmer and yell and scream. I don't think I'll keep this anger for long, but why does it seem like its the only thing in my life that matters right now.

One thing I have been blessed with is that I tend to not hold grudges. God will be working even as I struggle, and I know He is sovereign.

Here You Are
Here You Are
Our Beautiful King
Bringing relief
Here You are with us

-DCB