We The Redeemed

We sang this song in church today. It's one of those songs that when the worship team hits the course, everybody raises their hand and shouts it.

I was sitting down trying to stay awake...today it seemed like everything I've been holding off or running away from finally caught up, and I found myself just wanting to go home and sleep away the day. I still though, though I've rationalized that another day will simply yield the same result and eventually I'll run out of money to pay for rent.

Why does it seem like every time I have a firm grasp on reality it just jumps away? All I really want is just for things to be constant, to not change...I've had enough of change, enough of finding new friends or keeping in touch with old ones. Why can't God just give me that much at least?

My friend's blog related Christianity to smoking. Apparently as a smoker, if you quit, all the tar and stuff just forces itself out. As a Christian, when you're born again, all the sin that's accumulated in your life should leave and you should be freed from it all. That makes sense in idea, but in practice all I find is my old sin recurring again and again and for all the good and blessings I have received I can't seem to relent from the constant lust and anger that plague my life.

I always considered my testimony in Christ to be gradual, the constant drip of a leak rather than a huge storm. But I really wonder if my mind has recognized what my heart knows to be true. If it did I would feel more compelled to love right? To dash away my old sins? To care for strangers and the weak? Why don't I? I judge rather than love. I expect the worst from others, but demand their best. It's a recipe for disaster at best.



Yet it seems the further I run from God, the more He calls me to him, to hide in the shadow of his wing, to enjoy his greatness. What God has blessed for me I can never deny, nor give it back. Even though I'm stagnant, I still feel his presence, the constant calling to grow, to stop lagging, to embrace his love and realize that though I'm wretched and poor, it doesn't matter.

Glorious, glorious one
You have saved us
Honour and power and praise to the savior
You are the answer
You are the answer

It's so simple in the end. I am stuck worrying about all the petty details of daily life when there's so much more to be enjoyed would I only open my eyes. I want to stop dwelling on everything that doesn't work out and live in God.

It feels like I have a spiritual cold right now, that everything is really shitty and I just want to sleep it away. But after a cold, there's always an appreciation for the reality of things, to take in all the wonders of our days that we take for granted. To remember the friends that held us through it and the God that walked with us all the days of our lives.

My roommates and I watched Amazing Grace today, and though it was a change in plans somehow it now looks like it was for the best. In the movie, William Wilberforce receives a calling from God, and as he tries and tries to answer it he's simply stalled until finally in his later years it finally worked out. I was staggered by how long he had been working in this path, and just how through it all he received so much grace and love in his life. Thinking about waiting 15 years to have something happen, all the while struggling through ridicule and slander, is pretty terrifying. We always praise and idolize those who do amazing feats of physical and mental capacity, but what about those who's gift in life was the wonderful talent of patience.

I wish I had that talent. I have no patience at all. I get annoyed often, angry if it's video games. God awards those who have patience in him. Like Abraham, Noah, Job, all those who trusted in God through their calls, though many years had passed before they saw the gifts God would provide them.

What does it mean to walk with God? How do I do it? I want a manual darn it. I don't want to be told to pray and wait for what God calls me to, I just want it written down. I want someone to tell me exactly what to do. The funny thing is, I know God is telling me what to do, and showing me what I'm being called to, I just haven't opened my eyes yet.

I guess in the end I don't like this gradual process business. But all good things in life take time....like trees, wine, and most importantly salvation.

Today I was very angry, at something which in the future will seem very childish. But for now I still simmer and yell and scream. I don't think I'll keep this anger for long, but why does it seem like its the only thing in my life that matters right now.

One thing I have been blessed with is that I tend to not hold grudges. God will be working even as I struggle, and I know He is sovereign.

Here You Are
Here You Are
Our Beautiful King
Bringing relief
Here You are with us

-DCB